Yes, this is yet another thing we ‘should’ be doing AND (I don’t think I’m out of place in saying this) it’s yet another wellness technique that’s taken up almost exclusively by women.
I wonder how many men are keeping a gratitude journal? Or is it (yet again) just us? Keeping us small, keeping us grateful, stopping us from speaking up and - God forbid - MOANING about something.
Be grateful.
Personally, if I ever keep a journal about anything it’s about my achievements. In fact, writing down (even small) things we’ve achieved each day is much more powerful, because it’s been proven to build self-esteem. And we could do with more of that!
HARD AGREE on all this Sophie - thank you! I don't think you're out of place at all - I think it's likely quite female skewed. Maybe because of being open... or maybe because of needing to the 'right thing'!
The achievements journal is a fantastic idea! I love this and will actually start doing this tonight. As someone who beats myself up for not doing more, having actual evidence that I'm not completely useless would do me a lot of good. Thank you for the suggestion!
Well I, for one, am SO glad you decided to hit publish! This is actually a brilliant spin on the world of gratitude. A spin I never would have considered but weirdly have to agree with!!
I especially agree with the gratitude journaling bit. I've never reaped the benefits of this practice even though I've tried. There's only so much blue sky and sunsets I can be grateful for before it loses meaning altogether.
I think this is because your are writing the journal in a sort of academic way. To me gratitude is a feeling. It doesn’t matter if you write it, or think it, or speak it out loud. But you have to actually feel the gratitude in your body to get the true connection. That’s my take on it. If a gratitude diary was just a list of things like coffee, a nice sunset etc then that’s going to get boring and also there’s no real joy involved. There are other ways to create gratitude or connect to it, but you do have to feel it.
Without emotional connection I feel it might have limited impact and certainly, even if it did have impact, the act would get boring/ feel meaningless and therefore hard to create a habit from
Love you Jane!! And please I always want to hear the other side!! This is actually why I hovered on publishing - because of course it’s important and it’s much more dangerous to just look at what we lack. But yes... always balance. Nothing’s ever black or white. I think I just want people who struggle with gratitude journaling to know it’s ok!
And I’ll come and podcast with you again anytime! xx
I've never understood why practicing something is better than being something -- be grateful if you're grateful, don't be if you're not. Practice is something different for me, it's about the process not the end game. Violent agreement about the "should" factor and the corollary: if you don't do it you'll suffer the consequences. Can I come hide behind the couch with you?
Hahaha - please come join me! Lots of space - it's a big couch! Yes I agree - it's an odd use of the word. I think it bothers me because it's trying to lay a layer of spirituality somehow over something quite normal... but that might just be the way my ear hears it! But then I've not problem with practicing tennis (other than the fact I am appallingly bad at tennis).
Should is a truly toxic word! I've actually written a book about this which I'm currently trying to get published. Maybe one day!
Elizabeth I love your comment. Violent agreement is a great way to put it because I also violently agree! Also your point about the process rather than the end game nails it. Being thankful is not a cause and effect thing. I mean, it is because it's been researched, but that doesn't seem to be how it works in real life.
I do feel that any word, term or phrase that is overused loses its impact and then effectiveness. When one just repeats others catch phrases, it becomes far from an original thought or expression. Purpose lost. ( I hear the word awesome constantly…..it should be banned!) You are a good writer, so you have your own original ideas. Keep at it! You are inciteful and amusing!
Thanks Melissa - that's a really lovely thing to say. Really appreciate it. And yes, such a good point on repetition. I guess each word or phrase has a lifespan - it's born, it's original and exciting... then gets old and over-used, loses its impact and everyone moves on. Such is life!
I shall be very careful not to write anything 'awesome' in future! My pet hate is "a disconnect". We never talk about "a connect"; it's a connection! Therefore a disconnection!! Arrrgh! Rant over...
No, no, no, you are not wrong! Thank you for this! I relate, I resonate!
The thing every self-help guru doesn't understand is that gratitude is a result, not a cause. It reminds me of the admonishment to "Love thy neighbor," which has baffled me all my life. How can you make yourself love? You can't!
Trying to practice gratitude without first finding gratitude in your heart isn't sustainable. It's the thumb in the dike.
But what is causing the suffering that leads to thinking you need to practice gratitude in the first place? THAT is the key. But a lot more work, which is probably why people want to take shortcuts. Take "proven" antidotes like gratitude, turning the other cheek, generosity (there's another one that has to come from the heart, not the brain).
I practice mindfulness and meditation, whose only purpose is to see into the self, and therefore into others and the world, more clearly. Gaining understanding of the true nature of reality is getting to the source of the problem, the leak in the dam, and then expanding outward from there, where one will likely find love, gratitude, and generosity as an automatic consequence.
Thank you for bringing up the pat gratitude epidemic, and keeping it light! Well done. :-)
Thank you Don - very very wise words. The change needs to start inside, not in token gestures on the outside. And yes, doing something generous without the right intention is a great analogy.
I have a piece coming up on confidence - off the back of being told all my life to "just be more confident" as if that's just something you can quickly do! And it's the same thing - it's a lot more work than that. But then we also have to start somewhere?
Thank you for making me think more deeply on this!
I would like to read that! I too was thinking there is an essay in this, and that the problem with so-called self-help and self-improvement literature is much wider. It so often puts the cart before the horse!
I totally agree. On the one hand I think most of it is well-intentioned and it's a good gateway for people looking to learn about themselves and make improvements in their lives... but the problem is it gets over-simplified to make it sell. And often has to be about the one thing that will totally transform your life, tied up neatly with a bow. Which can be damaging, albeit well-meaning.
THIS: “Have you done your gratitude journaling today? No? Prepare for a doomed life.” I, too, find it so fucking tedious, but I hadn’t considered the perspective that gratitude can be limiting. Maybe that’s the difference between “practice gratitude” (journal every day about your coffee) versus “be grateful” (at least you’re not dying of cancer, and if you are, at least you have people that love you!). It’s semantics, but either way, it’s annoying when it’s preachy. Maybe we’re just jealous because the people preaching it seem so much happier than we are? 🤔
Oooooh zing! Maybe you're right - it's jealousy! Although for me I'm not sure it is... I think it's more the nagging guilt that I can't seem to do it right. Hence maybe I need to practice? Gaaaah.....!
Made me laugh out loud. So good. Fuck toxic gratitude. I’m grateful every day not to be in prison, the ground, or a hospital due to my decades of using and drinking. Anything more? I’m good.
Now that you scratched the itch...humility and humble are also used in a fake and toxic manner. How many wealthy celebrities and athletes do we hear “I’m humbled to be here.” Bullshit you are. You’re so full of yourself right now, humble is somewhere in another time zone from what you are. ☺️
Hahaha - loved this comment Dee. And good on you - those are things to be grateful for! Humble’s a good one. I tend to think the mere act of saying you’re humble probably means you’re not. But maybe I’m too cynical...
Of course, it’s great to be grateful but it has certainly stopped me from complaining about things before. I’ve almost felt like I’m in the wrong for not being grateful for certain things. And I’ll never forget the time my therapist asked me if I could ever feel grateful about something horrific happening. Love, love, love everything about this article.
Ahhh thank YOU for reading Hayley. God I'm so glad it's not just me! I've 100% felt I'm not entitled to feel unhappy about something because I 'should' be grateful. I often think that because there are so so many people who live in much harder circumstances than I do that I shouldn't feel crap about anything ever. But of course life doesn't work like this - your problems are just as valid as anyone else's. As for your therapist.... ooooofff. Interesting idea to toy with but NOT in that context - Jesus! Another thing I've learned along the way is that not all therapists are helpful. Perhaps another article! Sending love x
Omg anyone who references Monty Python gets an immediate gold star from me! But I must get back to mi shoe box in't middle of't road. And please keep me posted on the cat/yoga thing...
Ok, so I picked a quote early on to restack before I got to the end because it made me chuckle (as I’m English and shrivelled up and died for not apologising or being grateful enough) but honestly there were so many bits of this that I could have restacked. Glad you hit publish. I get narked that all the good things and the words that I value end up being twisted into something toxic. Including Hope, Gratitude, Authenticity and more. 💛
Yes, this is yet another thing we ‘should’ be doing AND (I don’t think I’m out of place in saying this) it’s yet another wellness technique that’s taken up almost exclusively by women.
I wonder how many men are keeping a gratitude journal? Or is it (yet again) just us? Keeping us small, keeping us grateful, stopping us from speaking up and - God forbid - MOANING about something.
Be grateful.
Personally, if I ever keep a journal about anything it’s about my achievements. In fact, writing down (even small) things we’ve achieved each day is much more powerful, because it’s been proven to build self-esteem. And we could do with more of that!
HARD AGREE on all this Sophie - thank you! I don't think you're out of place at all - I think it's likely quite female skewed. Maybe because of being open... or maybe because of needing to the 'right thing'!
The achievements journal is a fantastic idea! I love this and will actually start doing this tonight. As someone who beats myself up for not doing more, having actual evidence that I'm not completely useless would do me a lot of good. Thank you for the suggestion!
Well I, for one, am SO glad you decided to hit publish! This is actually a brilliant spin on the world of gratitude. A spin I never would have considered but weirdly have to agree with!!
I especially agree with the gratitude journaling bit. I've never reaped the benefits of this practice even though I've tried. There's only so much blue sky and sunsets I can be grateful for before it loses meaning altogether.
Fantastic (and sparky AF) read, Annie 👏
Awwww thanks Kristi!! Sparkly AF = my favourite thing ever. Yeah the journalling thing is weird. I 100% get the logic of it... but... meh??
I think this is because your are writing the journal in a sort of academic way. To me gratitude is a feeling. It doesn’t matter if you write it, or think it, or speak it out loud. But you have to actually feel the gratitude in your body to get the true connection. That’s my take on it. If a gratitude diary was just a list of things like coffee, a nice sunset etc then that’s going to get boring and also there’s no real joy involved. There are other ways to create gratitude or connect to it, but you do have to feel it.
Very very true Sarah. And I think that's it - it's finding a way to connect to truly feeling it, rather than going through the motions.
Without emotional connection I feel it might have limited impact and certainly, even if it did have impact, the act would get boring/ feel meaningless and therefore hard to create a habit from
The funniest part is I meant SNARKY, not sparkly but hey...it worked 😂
Bwwwwaaahhh!! That’s hilarious! 🤣🤣🤣 I’ll take either tbh!
In even greater error, I read it as "sparky," which I thought a brilliant adjective. 🤔
I'd really love 'Sparky' as a nickname. There's something very wholesome/1950s about it!
Me, too. Sometimes I'm grateful for those things I've misread ;)
Spark on.
Haha, they both work perfectly!
Nice words
Love you Jane!! And please I always want to hear the other side!! This is actually why I hovered on publishing - because of course it’s important and it’s much more dangerous to just look at what we lack. But yes... always balance. Nothing’s ever black or white. I think I just want people who struggle with gratitude journaling to know it’s ok!
And I’ll come and podcast with you again anytime! xx
I've never understood why practicing something is better than being something -- be grateful if you're grateful, don't be if you're not. Practice is something different for me, it's about the process not the end game. Violent agreement about the "should" factor and the corollary: if you don't do it you'll suffer the consequences. Can I come hide behind the couch with you?
Hahaha - please come join me! Lots of space - it's a big couch! Yes I agree - it's an odd use of the word. I think it bothers me because it's trying to lay a layer of spirituality somehow over something quite normal... but that might just be the way my ear hears it! But then I've not problem with practicing tennis (other than the fact I am appallingly bad at tennis).
Should is a truly toxic word! I've actually written a book about this which I'm currently trying to get published. Maybe one day!
Elizabeth I love your comment. Violent agreement is a great way to put it because I also violently agree! Also your point about the process rather than the end game nails it. Being thankful is not a cause and effect thing. I mean, it is because it's been researched, but that doesn't seem to be how it works in real life.
Just followed you, Donna. Though we come from quite different perspectives I sense a kindred spirit ;-). You might like my piece from a while back on the idea of practice borne of my return to playing the piano after years of neglect. https://recalibrateme.substack.com/p/a-meditation-on-piano-practice-elizabeth-freeman
Thanks for the follow Elizabeth. I enjoyed your article about practicing. There is a lot to unpack there, well done!
Yes, I think we are kindred spirits (and not just because I used to play the piano too!)
I do feel that any word, term or phrase that is overused loses its impact and then effectiveness. When one just repeats others catch phrases, it becomes far from an original thought or expression. Purpose lost. ( I hear the word awesome constantly…..it should be banned!) You are a good writer, so you have your own original ideas. Keep at it! You are inciteful and amusing!
Thanks Melissa - that's a really lovely thing to say. Really appreciate it. And yes, such a good point on repetition. I guess each word or phrase has a lifespan - it's born, it's original and exciting... then gets old and over-used, loses its impact and everyone moves on. Such is life!
I shall be very careful not to write anything 'awesome' in future! My pet hate is "a disconnect". We never talk about "a connect"; it's a connection! Therefore a disconnection!! Arrrgh! Rant over...
"[hides behind sofa]" made me laugh!
No, no, no, you are not wrong! Thank you for this! I relate, I resonate!
The thing every self-help guru doesn't understand is that gratitude is a result, not a cause. It reminds me of the admonishment to "Love thy neighbor," which has baffled me all my life. How can you make yourself love? You can't!
Trying to practice gratitude without first finding gratitude in your heart isn't sustainable. It's the thumb in the dike.
But what is causing the suffering that leads to thinking you need to practice gratitude in the first place? THAT is the key. But a lot more work, which is probably why people want to take shortcuts. Take "proven" antidotes like gratitude, turning the other cheek, generosity (there's another one that has to come from the heart, not the brain).
I practice mindfulness and meditation, whose only purpose is to see into the self, and therefore into others and the world, more clearly. Gaining understanding of the true nature of reality is getting to the source of the problem, the leak in the dam, and then expanding outward from there, where one will likely find love, gratitude, and generosity as an automatic consequence.
Thank you for bringing up the pat gratitude epidemic, and keeping it light! Well done. :-)
Thank you Don - very very wise words. The change needs to start inside, not in token gestures on the outside. And yes, doing something generous without the right intention is a great analogy.
I have a piece coming up on confidence - off the back of being told all my life to "just be more confident" as if that's just something you can quickly do! And it's the same thing - it's a lot more work than that. But then we also have to start somewhere?
Thank you for making me think more deeply on this!
I would like to read that! I too was thinking there is an essay in this, and that the problem with so-called self-help and self-improvement literature is much wider. It so often puts the cart before the horse!
I totally agree. On the one hand I think most of it is well-intentioned and it's a good gateway for people looking to learn about themselves and make improvements in their lives... but the problem is it gets over-simplified to make it sell. And often has to be about the one thing that will totally transform your life, tied up neatly with a bow. Which can be damaging, albeit well-meaning.
Interesting
THIS: “Have you done your gratitude journaling today? No? Prepare for a doomed life.” I, too, find it so fucking tedious, but I hadn’t considered the perspective that gratitude can be limiting. Maybe that’s the difference between “practice gratitude” (journal every day about your coffee) versus “be grateful” (at least you’re not dying of cancer, and if you are, at least you have people that love you!). It’s semantics, but either way, it’s annoying when it’s preachy. Maybe we’re just jealous because the people preaching it seem so much happier than we are? 🤔
Oooooh zing! Maybe you're right - it's jealousy! Although for me I'm not sure it is... I think it's more the nagging guilt that I can't seem to do it right. Hence maybe I need to practice? Gaaaah.....!
You got all of our brains shaming us for fucking up gratitude!
Made me laugh out loud. So good. Fuck toxic gratitude. I’m grateful every day not to be in prison, the ground, or a hospital due to my decades of using and drinking. Anything more? I’m good.
Now that you scratched the itch...humility and humble are also used in a fake and toxic manner. How many wealthy celebrities and athletes do we hear “I’m humbled to be here.” Bullshit you are. You’re so full of yourself right now, humble is somewhere in another time zone from what you are. ☺️
Hahaha - loved this comment Dee. And good on you - those are things to be grateful for! Humble’s a good one. I tend to think the mere act of saying you’re humble probably means you’re not. But maybe I’m too cynical...
Well said. Love it. And if the gratitude police yell at me for writing cheese every day, then I quit 🤣
If loving cheese is wrong I don’t wanna be right!!! *runs from gratitude police*
Precisely.
Thank you for hitting publish!
Of course, it’s great to be grateful but it has certainly stopped me from complaining about things before. I’ve almost felt like I’m in the wrong for not being grateful for certain things. And I’ll never forget the time my therapist asked me if I could ever feel grateful about something horrific happening. Love, love, love everything about this article.
Ahhh thank YOU for reading Hayley. God I'm so glad it's not just me! I've 100% felt I'm not entitled to feel unhappy about something because I 'should' be grateful. I often think that because there are so so many people who live in much harder circumstances than I do that I shouldn't feel crap about anything ever. But of course life doesn't work like this - your problems are just as valid as anyone else's. As for your therapist.... ooooofff. Interesting idea to toy with but NOT in that context - Jesus! Another thing I've learned along the way is that not all therapists are helpful. Perhaps another article! Sending love x
Absolutely. All of our problems are valid. That therapist thing is definitely an article of its own - would be interesting! xo
Ooooh good thinking! I’m on it....
Love love love. I’m so grateful for this post.
And I'm grateful for your comment, Ben!
I am with you, and reminded of the Monty Python The Four Yorkshiremen sketch. Also, I now have an uncontrollable urge to bring a cat to yoga...
Omg anyone who references Monty Python gets an immediate gold star from me! But I must get back to mi shoe box in't middle of't road. And please keep me posted on the cat/yoga thing...
Brilliant piece Annie - really found its mark! Love it. 🤗
Thank you so much Nikki. Delighted it's struck such a chord! (Grateful, even!)
“Live your life. Just don’t be a dick about it.” God could have given that one to Moses and been done with it.
Haha - right? I might make a series of motivational quote cushion covers...
Ok, so I picked a quote early on to restack before I got to the end because it made me chuckle (as I’m English and shrivelled up and died for not apologising or being grateful enough) but honestly there were so many bits of this that I could have restacked. Glad you hit publish. I get narked that all the good things and the words that I value end up being twisted into something toxic. Including Hope, Gratitude, Authenticity and more. 💛
HARD AGREE Emily. All the good things just seem to get monetised/branded and it makes me sad! Thank you for your lovely comment.