F*ck gratitude!

The antidote to every self-help book you’ve ever read

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

So I finally watched the Barbie movie. I know; I’m behind the times. I never made it to the cinema, then Amazon wanted £15 to watch it at home (that’s a hard no on principle). So when I found it as an option on in-flight entertainment on a recent trip, I fell upon it with girlish glee.

There’s a wonderful scene in the second half of the movie where America Ferrera, frustrated by the pressures society puts on women, gives an impassioned speech about all the contradictory things a woman is supposed to be.

“You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin, you have to say you want to be healthy… you have to have money, but you can’t ask for money because that’s crass…”. You get the idea.

There’s one word in this speech she returns to multiple times. “Always be grateful!” she spits with increasing ferocity. This one struck me like a punch between my sub-standard eyebrows.

Gratitude – defined by the Cambridge Dictionary as “a strong feeling of appreciation to someone or something for what the person has done to help you” – is one of those words that’s been taken hostage by the wellness industry. You can’t swing a cat in a yoga class without being told that gratitude is the answer to everything. Although if you bring your cat to yoga you probably have larger problems that this.

I first became aware of the gratitude movement a few years back on a fitness retreat in Mexico. Gratitude as a verb was bandied around by The Most Beautiful Man Alive who worked there as a trainer. The man looked like the love child of Chris Hemsworth and Brad Pitt, for goodness sake. He had, in a former life, been an alcoholic. Now he lived his dream – all thanks to gratitude. Oh and the sugar mummas who supplemented his income. True story.

Since then, the “practice gratitude” mantra has spread faster than Covid in an elevator. You can’t say “be grateful” because that would be too didactic and not woo-woo enough – so we must “practice gratitude” – with the low-level insinuation that you’ll never quite get it right. You’ll find this advice in books, magazines and spinning studios, and I think the concept sponsors Instagram. #grateful #blessed

Of course I exaggerate to make a point. Before I go on, I’d like to make it clear I am generally pro-gratitude. I’m English, for fuck’s sake. If we’re not thanking people or apologising to people we shrivel up and die. It’s polite and it makes us feel good.

I get that pro-actively challenging yourself to be grateful rather than a miserable bastard is A Good Thing. As humans we naturally compare ourselves to others who have more than us, and focus on what we lack rather than what we have. It’s a built-in survival impulse – to be part of the tribe and have enough for tough times. But we all know, when we think about it, that this is a hiding to nothing – and will likely make us miserable and in a downward spiral of buying stuff to fill the gaping hole inside. So appreciating what we have is a good way to feel peaceful and satisfied.

At the other end of the spectrum there’s the law of attraction squad, who’ll tell you you’ll get more of the things you focus on and are grateful for. Which, again, to a certain extent is true. Focus your efforts on getting your dream job and you’re more likely to act on this and land your dream job than if you were to, say, sit around thinking about turnips. Unless turnup grower is your dream job. In which case more power to you.

If we think about the things we have that we like, we’ll likely act in a way that means we get more of them. And if you appreciate what is good in life, you’ll probably be happier than if you sit around being a miserable old fuck.

So yes. It pays to acknowledge that you have.

However…

There’s something about the constant wanging about “practicing gratitude” as if it were some mystical experience that only men with beards and goats can do that grates me slightly. And America Ferrera’s rant made me realise why.

Firstly, because it’s another fucking thing to do. It’s another “should”. It’s another damn thing to tick off the wellness to do list (something I wrote about a while back). Have you done your gratitude journaling today? No? Prepare for a doomed life.

Have you actually tried gratitude journaling? I have. It gets pretty tedious after a while. There are only so many days you can be grateful for your house and your family and coffee (my consistent choice) before it stops meaning anything to you. I get that to write down the positive re-wires your neural pathways and makes you view the world more through this lens. And if this works for you – and you can do it consistently without resorting to writing “cheese” over an over – then Amen to that. You have my respect.

But more than this, I believe gratitude is a tool that’s sometimes been used to keep me small. To limit me. To stop me from wanting more or better. And I don’t think I’m the only one.

Hate your job? Be grateful you have a job. Got a toothache? Be grateful it doesn’t hurt more. Mother died? Be grateful your father’s still alive. Practicing gratitude can be a fancy way of saying “shut the fuck up”.

How many time have you had conversations with friends who aren’t happy with something in their lives,  then  they stop themselves with the words “But I should be grateful…” and tail off sadly.

Toxic Gratitude

The idea that we “should” be grateful can stop us from fixing things. From complaining. From reaching for what we want. Sure, gratitude can lift us up – but it can also keep us small.

When used it this way, it smacks of scarcity. Be grateful you have something even if it’s far from what you want. I don’t mean that at a surface level – if you’re complaining you’ve only got a Golf when you want a Lamborghini, you won’t get much sympathy from me. But I worry “be grateful” can be a weapon to stop people from spreading their wings and trying new things.

Sure, you have a lovely husband and house in London – but if your life-long desire is to work as a nomadic doctor in Fiji, no amount of being grateful for what you have is going to bring you peace.

Gratitude can keep us trapped. Gratitude can stop us from changing career (I should be grateful for my steady job), leaving a bad relationship (I should be grateful to be loved), or for pushing for more equality (I should be grateful to just be included).

Practicing gratitude is not always your friend - and it’s definitely not a silver bullet. We must all acknowledge the good things in our life for our own sanity – but writing down that you’re grateful for coffee every morning is not going to cure your depression. I tried – it didn’t help. It was just another thing to do before I crawled into the bed I so desperately craved.

Fuck Toxic Gratitude

Of course it’s not quite as simple as “Fuck gratitude” (but I liked the headline). Let’s not be arseholes. Let’s be polite and not resource consuming monsters.

But beware toxic gratitude. The Mean Girls kind that sidles up to you at a party and tells you it loves your shoes, only to then go and laugh at your behind your back with its friends

How can you tell if you’re experiencing toxic gratitude? Easy. It generally involves the word “should”.

If you feel – or are told by an actual other human – that “you should be grateful” for something, chances are it’s bullshit. This is weaponised gratitude. Nod and smile and carry on your own sweet journey to whatever the fuck you want.

Because none of us have time to waste our precious energy on gratitude lip service. On bullshit gratitude that stops us dreaming and scheming the life we really want. Dream big, go after what you want, and don’t believe you should be satisfied with things that don’t fill you up.

Live your life. Just don’t be a dick about it, yeah?

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Ok, full disclosure - I hovered over hitting ‘publish’ on this one for fear of being called out. It’s a complex one this, and I worry I’m coming across as advocating for entitled assholery. Which I’m not. So hit me with it… does this resonate? Or is it just me…? [hides behind sofa]