What a great piece! Thank you. I am a fan of therapy, but only if you can find the right match. That, in itself, is a task that requires self-trust which, I'm guessing, many of us might be low on when we seek therapy in the first place?
YES Maria - you're so so right. I tend to completely lose all confidence in myself and my abilities when I'm feeling down so you're bang on - it's the worst possible time to make an important decision! I'd never thought of it like that before.
I often think about this with the world of wellness in general. Therapy is at least more regulated, but it's so easy to get sucked up into the world of gurus/healing when you're low and vulnerable and end up spending a fortune on anyone that confidently offer a solution. When it works it's great - but I've definitely fallen for snake oil in the past!
I totally understand what you're saying here. It's been my experience too. I've recently started approaching it differently though.
It could be that therapy doesn't work because the problem is emotions/ energy stored in the body. So therapy changes your thoughts, but doesn't address the trauma bank at all. Thoughts don't have a lot of force behind them like strong emotions do. They're fleeting, febble things that don't stand a chance against your guts.
If that were true, wandering around inside my head with a therapist would never help, would it? No. Because the trauma isn't in my thoughts. It's in that cold lump in my guts. That dread, or anxiety, whatever it is.
This isn't my idea. I am working through a book by Russel Kennedy, MD called Anxiety RX. It's very interesting how this medical doctor concluded that therapy would never work on his anxiety, because it wasn't able to get to the root of the problem.
Fascinating - thank you for sharing Tim. This makes a huge amount of sense - and funnily enough I did have one therapist who told me CBT likely did not work for me because it's the emotions that I struggle with, not the thinking. There's a lot of chat in woo-woo circles about 'the issues living in your tissues', and a lot of bogus 'healers' touting cures for this - which I've found off-putting, but the science of it does make sense. Ordering the book now - thank you for the recommendation!
That’s interesting that the therapist you mentioned didn’t connect the dots- that likely ALL patients are more affected by their emotions than a bunch of surface-level words
100%. In his book “the body keeps the score”, the author (Bessel van der Koelk) says that talking therapy / cbt can make things worse for people. They’re rehashing without shifting it. I’m now of the opinion that talking therapy without EMDR or some other physical practice is probably not a great idea unless it’s just maintenance - someone to chat to about week to week stuff you need help with.
Thanks Jen - I loved that book but only got half way through as found it quite heavy going! This makes so much sense though - I've heard it said that talking merely entrenches the neural pathways even further. I'm actually just about to start a course of EMDR - I have high hopes! But then I always do!
Oh I really hope it works for you! I'm a bit of an evangelist for it. I had a wonderfully empathetic therapist in 2022 for about 4-5 months and the IFS was helpful but after the initial validation halo, I just kind of felt justified in my misery so I started pushing to try the EMDR she was trained in and it made a huge difference to the particular things that we covered. Huge! And a much bigger shift than the CBT I did with an also lovely, different therapist in 2021.
I also found the book heavy going. I cried a lot in the first half and then put it down for about a year. The second half is more practical and hopeful. The first half is very intense.
One other thing that may be useful: last year (2023) I felt terrible again which was so disappointing after the EMDR success. I paid for a private methylation test and started on lots of supplements (of the zinc, magnesium, B12 kind, not crazy fancy ones) and along with some other lifestyle changes turned a corner and got better and better. So, if you haven't explored your vitamin levels that might be worth looking at too?
(Sorry for the unsolicited advice, but I really wish my therapist/someone had suggested it to me in 2022.)
I very much agree with this! I have a lovely therapist, Margot Borden, who uses breathwork to release the trauma that are trapped in the body and it made a huge difference for me. She also wrote a book I enjoyed called "Psychology in the light of the East" where she describes the benefits of combining psychotherapeutic approaches with spiritual practices.
I'm so glad you posted this. I've had probably a dozen therapists since childhood, and I think one was extremely helpful (in my 20's), and another was fairly helpful. The other ten range from unhelpful to made-me-feel-worse. That's a pretty terrible ratio, considering the fact that I've often said, and probably still say, that therapy "saved me." When I say that, I'm really only thinking of that therapist from my 20's.
I do think differently now about the whole enterprise of feeling better, more as increasing my ability to tolerate things than fixing myself, which was definitely my long-time goal. Like you, I've found so much relief in non-therapy things (sleep, exercise, diet, cold plunge, etc.)
Anyway, thanks for this post—it's one that will stay with me.
Thank you so much for sharing Rob - I'm both sorry you had the same experience and relieved it's not just me! While not a great ratio I'm glad you found someone helpful. I love your point about increasing tolerance to things - this is a great goal to have. Perhaps fixing oneself is actually not the task - a bit like it being unrealistic to try to be happy all of the time. This feels rather freeing...
CBT definitely doesn't work for everyone and especially neurodivergent people and it's a shame how hard it's pushed and especially prescribed as sometimes the only offering especially from the NHS.
However, after having therapy in one form or another since I was 16, it wasn't until I received my autism and ADHD diagnoses at 35 and began working with a clinical psychologist trained in a number of things, that it felt like I was making progress AND of course the most important thing - if wasnt me. I had Taylor Swift in my head a lot before my assessment...
It's definitely finding what works but the most important is not taking the failure of any of those things on yourself.
No one is inherently broken nor does anyone need to be fixed, we just have to find the right mix of things that work for us as individuals.
Thanks Casper - I really agree with you on the CBT push. While it's great for some people I think perhaps an acknowledgement that there are many other options would be helpful - and make everyone feel a little less Taylor Swift-ish! Well done for persevering for your diagnosis - I'm so glad you got there. I'm reading a lot at the moment about people who have struggled to get an ADHD diagnosis as adults and what a game-changer it is when they finally get there. It's heart-breaking that sometimes it takes so long. Agreed - we are all who we are and broken/fixed is the wrong wording. Sometimes we just need a little support.
Yes! This is important to name. Not every therapy or therapist is a fit for everyone. It's a very tricky area. I think as therapists we also feel the pressure to be all things to all people and find it incredibly hard to say to a client that we don't think it's working. It can feel like a crushing rejection of them. And it's hard to gauge when the work might just need more time, versus when to pull the plug. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this, it does need to be part of the conversation
Thank you so much Vicki - I actually had you in mind when writing this as I didn't want to offend! Fascinating to hear your perspective on this, and really important - thank you. I imagine most people working in therapy are there because they want to help people - so it must be nigh on impossible to say no to anyone in need of help. And, as you say, to know the impact of any action will have on someone in a vulnerable state... this must be overwhelming at times.
A more open dialogue about finding the right fit would be helpful for both the client and the therapist by the sounds of it... the pressure on therapists must be so intense. Thank you so much for your words. Next time I go for therapy I'm going to keep this much more in mind!
No I'm so glad you wrote about this, because I've felt much the same. Was headed straight for burnout and asking my psych 'why is all this anxiety coming out of nowhere?'. She guided me toward CBT, so I kept trying to override my body's intuition in a job I really shouldn't have been in. Writing about artists now, I'm taking comfort knowing that sickness and low points are part of some artists' fabric and potentially mine too. You've probably offered many comfort with this peice 💕
Ooooosh - I've been exactly there. My body was doing all kinds of weird things to tell me something wasn't right - and, exactly like you, I kept trying to think my way over it. Until I collapsed. Literally. I hope you're doing ok now.
Great perspective on artists here too. And yes, if we accept life will be ups and downs instead of straining for unadulterated happiness we will likely be much more content. Plus all my shitty times have definitely given me fodder for writing! Thank you for your kind words xx
Thank you for being brave enough to write and then post this.
Over the weekend I was listening to Brene Brown's podcast where she was interviewing Drs John and Julie Schwartz Gottman about their book 'The Love Prescription'. During the conversations, all three mentioned times in their lives that they'd had a terrible experience with a therapist and had 'fired their asses'. They were all hugely supportive of therapy as a process but were pointing out that therapists - just like all of us - are real humans and are fallible; some of them are crap at their jobs - just like all of us - and sometimes it's just not a fit.
My teenage daughter was seeing a very experienced clinical psychologist whilst dealing with a really difficult time. She filled out reams of questionnaires, was diagnosed with a lot but always came out of sessions almost dizzy with information overload and no insight into how to deal with anything.
It took a long time to build up the courage as a family to decide that, despite her experience and qualifications the psychologist really wasn't giving our daughter the help she needed. We found a therapist through a personal recommendation who we knew would be a better fit (younger, so kind and empathetic, LGBTIQ+ ally etc. etc) and the change was instant. The relief I felt knowing that our daughter was in safe, kind and helpful hands was immense and we watched her grow in confidence and capability week by week.
Thank you so much Susan - that's really kind of you to say. I adore Brene Brown - this makes me feel much better! And they're so right - of course like every other job there will be great ones and less good ones. I find it so weird that my mind has not figured this out before!
Thank you for sharing your story about your daughter - I can so relate to feeling overwhelmed by information and I'm so sorry she felt that way when trying to get help. That's a tough decision to make and I'm so glad it worked out so well. A great example of when therapy gets it right! It's just so overwhelming sometimes to find the right path. I'm so glad she had you to help.
Yes, thank you for writing this! It definitely needs to be said. I've only had a couple brief bouts with therapy, and they were only minimally helpful. Even though I know that a lot of it is about the right fit, I can't help feeling like the problem is that I'm doing it wrong. I wonder how many of us end up feeling that way?
Thank you so much Rosana. As you say, I wonder how many people blame themselves... I'm sorry you haven't had a better experience. I'm sure the right help is out there - it just feels exhausting trying to find it.
I've been too lazy to look much more! But I've tried various other helpful things throughout my life, like meditation, MDMA therapy sessions, and even some Ayahuasca journeys. All helpful! My ongoing theme is that I'm not doing any of these things right, so that's definitely something to think about. 😊
Yes, you point out a common misconception that a "zap cure" can be accomplished in a few brief sessions. CBT promotes this myth because that is how they can be compensated by health insurance plans.
If it took you years of your life to get side tracked, why should you expect to undo it all in a few hours? Also, how will your life change if you change? Quantum physics tells us any change changes everything yet we want everything to change without any changes happening to upset our tidy lifestyle. It is little wonder much CBT brief therapy is little more than a placebo.
When I say brief bouts, I mean a few years each. The time and money spent on therapy didn’t feel justified for the minimal value. But I probably don’t find the best therapists for me.
In the U.S. currently health insurance allows generally for only about 12 sessions with a therapist. As you can imagine not much of "value" can be accomplished that quickly. My daughter is a counselor and since Covid generally does her sessions online rather than in person. "Time is money..."
I continue to be impressed with your writing, and I am impressed by this writing, but I’ll add a couple of bullet points to your list of learnings, and they are not to be viewed as any knock on therapists, but:
-maybe quite a few people rely on therapists prematurely when they just need to struggle a bit more first and self help.
-knowledge is the best form of help coping. Fear will drive unrational thoughts. Struggling to the point of figuring out your own issues will trump therapy every time.
-stay busy. Idle time kills when you’re struggling.
-all therapists are business people. Understand that. Use them when you truly need them, don’t use them as a crutch.
I’m still not a paid subscriber, but I am impressed by your writing. You’ll do well w/o my couple of pounds.
“I just need to say, Annie, that I find this very difficult. I don’t hear from you for ages and then you come to me with a problem and it’s just a lot for me to deal with”.
This is awful enough for a friend to say to a friend, but you were PAYING this man and it is his PROFESSION. I’m sorry this happened to you. And I’m sorry if he still hasn’t found a job since then better suited to what he needs.
This is such a brilliant piece. I’m glad you wrote it and shared it. Although I’ve never had therapy, I’ve contemplated it and expected it to be a panacea. I will now have my eyes open. I think there are many stories like this where we’re sold a view of the world that doesn’t match a reality that’s never talked about. I have my own version of something like this that I’ve been too scared to share for fear of upsetting people or being the only one who feels that way or just being wrong! Thank you for your letter, I feel braver about sharing mine..! Xx
Emily this is the ultimate compliment - go be brave! Honestly I spend my whole time on here agonising about whether I'm going to get cancelled for saying something - but I also think sometimes this is an indication that something needs to be said. Go forth and share! I'll keep my eyes peeled.... xx
I was 45 when I subscribed to a Johns Hopkins Newsletter entitled “Your Health After 50.” I wept when I read the first issue. What I had suffered for decades was described in an article. They called it Restless Legs Syndrome, and Johns Hopkins didn’t think I was hysterical.
For the next twenty years, I saw the best doctors. I became a National Restless Legs Syndrome Foundation board member. I went to sleep medicine conventions. I traveled to Johns Hopkins and NIH. I had access to top clinicians and took the dozens of medicines they prescribed, most with significant side effects, none effective after a while.
I was 64 when my doctor told me I needed a knee replacement, but he wanted me to slim down to 160 before he okayed it. We discussed that I should not be 5’4” and weigh 175.
Luckily, the knee replacement was successful because I had as much as I could handle dealing with chronic sleep deprivation. RLS is connected with circadian rhythms, and my legs twitched enough to prevent sleep study technicians from calibrating their instruments.
Most nights, I slept three or four hours. I was taking six or seven prescriptions. I coffeed during the day and alcoholed at night.
CVS didn’t want to fill the oxycodone scripts from my orthopedic surgeon because I already had refills for oxycontin prescribed by my sleep doctor, but Dr. B called CVS to argue and sent them a paper he had just delivered at a conference. They filled the prescription.
My post-surgery physical therapist was kind, talented, caring, and hip. “How are you going to get out from under all these drugs?” I didn’t have an answer. We became friends, an odd couple; he is my Snoop, and I am his Martha. He is my son’s age, and I am six months older than his mama.
He suggested I use cannabis. I laughed.
I tried. I couldn't smoke; I had asthma. I didn’t know what I was doing, but I told HR at Morgan Stanley I was doing it.
In those days, the local dispensaries were guarded by large men earning minimum wage and carrying loaded weapons. Cash transactions were conducted in windowless rooms. I read the little that was available about medical marijuana. I attended a Washington, D.C. conference sponsored by Americans for Safe Access. I attended Lobby Days in Sacramento, sponsored by the National Organisation for Reform of Marijuana Laws, NORML.
Through cannabis use, I developed a body intuition that allowed me to understand cause and effect. I peeled away layers of crusted stress that had masqueraded as normal behavior for a type-A woman in a man’s job.
The most significant piece of the puzzle was that I eventually healed a gut that no one knew was sick. Once I focused on my gut health, the dominoes of my illnesses began to tumble. Within two weeks of eliminating gluten and dairy from my diet, I no longer needed medicine for high blood pressure. Shortly after I began focusing on a plant-forward diet, I no longer needed medicine for high cholesterol. When I stopped drinking, I no longer needed antidepressants. When I healed my gut, I no longer needed medicine for GERD, and I lost weight. With reduced inflammation, my arthritis subsided.
Today, my only prescription is a maintenance inhaler. I don’t eat processed foods. I don’t buy anything with dictionary words on the label because preservatives and additives that keep food looking and acting perfectly are the things that bring back my RLS.
Many of my health problems were connected to serotonin imbalance and low dopamine production. I have found whole-plant formulations containing cannabinoids, anandamides, and terpenes that provide what my CB1 and CB2 receptors were previously missing, thus allowing my endocannabinoid system to function at peak efficiency and coordinate with my neurological and endocrine systems, together maintaining the best health I’ve enjoyed ever.
I use cannabis consciously. Daily. Planned. Measured. Thoughtfully, and that’s how I did it. That’s how I cured myself.
That's how I achieve the best mental health of my life. That's what all those therapists and all those anti-depressants were supposed to do.
Annie, good luck; please don't discount healing your gut, stopping alcohol, and consulting www.trustedcannanurse.com. Tell Megan Mbengue at www.trustedcannanurse.com that Janice Hoffmann sent you. You are a brilliant writer, and you will be even more when you are on the right regimen of microdosing cannabis and psilocybin. Ask Megan before you give up. Tell her the long version of the story.
Janice this is an incredible story - thank you so much for sharing. The fact that you went through this and have done to much to help others is truly inspiring - bravo! And the fact you were doing so much to fit into a workplace that wasn't healthy... I so relate to that.
I have a friend who went on a psilocybin retreat a couple of years ago and they still says it was completely transformational. Theirs was quite extreme and I'm not sure I'm there yet - but I find these stories fascinating. Thank you so much for sharing.
I'm glad it touched you. I'll be writing more about my journey from illness to wellness, so stay tuned by subscribing to Stories by Janus (no paywall required). I enjoy your writing. Let's keep in touch.
Thanks Annie. Like you I have and still am a fan of “talking it out”. We just need to be aware of the limits and bias that exist within our humanity. Pretty off topic, but I’ll share my experience….some in your audience might relate.
I guess I was pretty lucky over the years to only see one therapist and later in life we are friends and stay in touch. Been through a few divorces, needed help with that. My father was tough to deal with certain times. Held many jobs because I worked for all the low life’s in the automotive field. Should have had a better positive feeling about myself and I guess these experiences made me feel that way. My therapist always seemed to have a answer to my questions and I always felt better after a session. There was no paperwork or homework we just talked things out. I saw him on and off when needed. He helped me allot for sure.
I don’t have a lot of experience with therapy. I’ve put a lot of time and energy into exploring self-help modalities and parenting philosophies. The conclusion I’ve come to, which seems like it would apply in therapy, too, is that there are no formulas that work for everybody. Most of the theories I’ve engaged with that espouse specific steps to take to achieve certain outcomes just leave me feeling inadequate because they don’t seem to work for me. More recently I am realizing that the reason I don’t find them useful is that I am not the author. I don’t think, function, or operate in the way that they do so their steps, though they may have worked for them, aren’t necessarily going to work for me. So now I take things with a pinch of salt, engaging with what resonates or seems to fit with who I am coming to understand myself to be. The rest I hold loosely or let go of.
Great perspective - thank you Benjamin. Your point about not being the author is perfect. I think this a lot with this big wellness influencers/authors who espouse one particular thing (usually one breathing, eating or exercising in a specific way). They're often packaged so well I get totally hooked in - but often a) their method doesn't work, or b) someone else comes along with conflicting advice. Taking this with a pinch of salt, being curious and seeing if anything works for you is the best way to be.
ELEVEN therapists fuck me. Choosing one in the first place is hard enough. Unfortunately one of the ways my bullshit manifests itself is in a deadening sense of exhaustion and futility when faced with the prospect of ‘trying again’ at something that didn’t yield results the first time. I’ve given up after four.
Thanks for writing this though. Of course you should have written it; I think one of the most important reasons to write anything, especially on a subject like this, is that somebody might read and identify with it and therefore feel a bit less alone.
Thank you so much - that's what I figured. If it helps even one person slightly then it's worth doing.
Totally hear you - my bullshit manifests itself in the same way. Trying again sometimes feels like too big of a mountain to climb. I used to feel like that about dating too!
What a great piece! Thank you. I am a fan of therapy, but only if you can find the right match. That, in itself, is a task that requires self-trust which, I'm guessing, many of us might be low on when we seek therapy in the first place?
YES Maria - you're so so right. I tend to completely lose all confidence in myself and my abilities when I'm feeling down so you're bang on - it's the worst possible time to make an important decision! I'd never thought of it like that before.
I often think about this with the world of wellness in general. Therapy is at least more regulated, but it's so easy to get sucked up into the world of gurus/healing when you're low and vulnerable and end up spending a fortune on anyone that confidently offer a solution. When it works it's great - but I've definitely fallen for snake oil in the past!
I totally understand what you're saying here. It's been my experience too. I've recently started approaching it differently though.
It could be that therapy doesn't work because the problem is emotions/ energy stored in the body. So therapy changes your thoughts, but doesn't address the trauma bank at all. Thoughts don't have a lot of force behind them like strong emotions do. They're fleeting, febble things that don't stand a chance against your guts.
If that were true, wandering around inside my head with a therapist would never help, would it? No. Because the trauma isn't in my thoughts. It's in that cold lump in my guts. That dread, or anxiety, whatever it is.
This isn't my idea. I am working through a book by Russel Kennedy, MD called Anxiety RX. It's very interesting how this medical doctor concluded that therapy would never work on his anxiety, because it wasn't able to get to the root of the problem.
Fascinating - thank you for sharing Tim. This makes a huge amount of sense - and funnily enough I did have one therapist who told me CBT likely did not work for me because it's the emotions that I struggle with, not the thinking. There's a lot of chat in woo-woo circles about 'the issues living in your tissues', and a lot of bogus 'healers' touting cures for this - which I've found off-putting, but the science of it does make sense. Ordering the book now - thank you for the recommendation!
That’s interesting that the therapist you mentioned didn’t connect the dots- that likely ALL patients are more affected by their emotions than a bunch of surface-level words
100%. In his book “the body keeps the score”, the author (Bessel van der Koelk) says that talking therapy / cbt can make things worse for people. They’re rehashing without shifting it. I’m now of the opinion that talking therapy without EMDR or some other physical practice is probably not a great idea unless it’s just maintenance - someone to chat to about week to week stuff you need help with.
Thanks Jen - I loved that book but only got half way through as found it quite heavy going! This makes so much sense though - I've heard it said that talking merely entrenches the neural pathways even further. I'm actually just about to start a course of EMDR - I have high hopes! But then I always do!
Oh I really hope it works for you! I'm a bit of an evangelist for it. I had a wonderfully empathetic therapist in 2022 for about 4-5 months and the IFS was helpful but after the initial validation halo, I just kind of felt justified in my misery so I started pushing to try the EMDR she was trained in and it made a huge difference to the particular things that we covered. Huge! And a much bigger shift than the CBT I did with an also lovely, different therapist in 2021.
I also found the book heavy going. I cried a lot in the first half and then put it down for about a year. The second half is more practical and hopeful. The first half is very intense.
One other thing that may be useful: last year (2023) I felt terrible again which was so disappointing after the EMDR success. I paid for a private methylation test and started on lots of supplements (of the zinc, magnesium, B12 kind, not crazy fancy ones) and along with some other lifestyle changes turned a corner and got better and better. So, if you haven't explored your vitamin levels that might be worth looking at too?
(Sorry for the unsolicited advice, but I really wish my therapist/someone had suggested it to me in 2022.)
No idea why this posted twice. I'm afraid to delete one in case it deletes both...
I very much agree with this! I have a lovely therapist, Margot Borden, who uses breathwork to release the trauma that are trapped in the body and it made a huge difference for me. She also wrote a book I enjoyed called "Psychology in the light of the East" where she describes the benefits of combining psychotherapeutic approaches with spiritual practices.
A link to her book: https://margotborden.com/newest-book-psychology-in-the-light-of-the-east/
I'm so glad you posted this. I've had probably a dozen therapists since childhood, and I think one was extremely helpful (in my 20's), and another was fairly helpful. The other ten range from unhelpful to made-me-feel-worse. That's a pretty terrible ratio, considering the fact that I've often said, and probably still say, that therapy "saved me." When I say that, I'm really only thinking of that therapist from my 20's.
I do think differently now about the whole enterprise of feeling better, more as increasing my ability to tolerate things than fixing myself, which was definitely my long-time goal. Like you, I've found so much relief in non-therapy things (sleep, exercise, diet, cold plunge, etc.)
Anyway, thanks for this post—it's one that will stay with me.
Thank you so much for sharing Rob - I'm both sorry you had the same experience and relieved it's not just me! While not a great ratio I'm glad you found someone helpful. I love your point about increasing tolerance to things - this is a great goal to have. Perhaps fixing oneself is actually not the task - a bit like it being unrealistic to try to be happy all of the time. This feels rather freeing...
CBT definitely doesn't work for everyone and especially neurodivergent people and it's a shame how hard it's pushed and especially prescribed as sometimes the only offering especially from the NHS.
However, after having therapy in one form or another since I was 16, it wasn't until I received my autism and ADHD diagnoses at 35 and began working with a clinical psychologist trained in a number of things, that it felt like I was making progress AND of course the most important thing - if wasnt me. I had Taylor Swift in my head a lot before my assessment...
It's definitely finding what works but the most important is not taking the failure of any of those things on yourself.
No one is inherently broken nor does anyone need to be fixed, we just have to find the right mix of things that work for us as individuals.
Thanks Casper - I really agree with you on the CBT push. While it's great for some people I think perhaps an acknowledgement that there are many other options would be helpful - and make everyone feel a little less Taylor Swift-ish! Well done for persevering for your diagnosis - I'm so glad you got there. I'm reading a lot at the moment about people who have struggled to get an ADHD diagnosis as adults and what a game-changer it is when they finally get there. It's heart-breaking that sometimes it takes so long. Agreed - we are all who we are and broken/fixed is the wrong wording. Sometimes we just need a little support.
Yes! This is important to name. Not every therapy or therapist is a fit for everyone. It's a very tricky area. I think as therapists we also feel the pressure to be all things to all people and find it incredibly hard to say to a client that we don't think it's working. It can feel like a crushing rejection of them. And it's hard to gauge when the work might just need more time, versus when to pull the plug. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this, it does need to be part of the conversation
Thank you so much Vicki - I actually had you in mind when writing this as I didn't want to offend! Fascinating to hear your perspective on this, and really important - thank you. I imagine most people working in therapy are there because they want to help people - so it must be nigh on impossible to say no to anyone in need of help. And, as you say, to know the impact of any action will have on someone in a vulnerable state... this must be overwhelming at times.
A more open dialogue about finding the right fit would be helpful for both the client and the therapist by the sounds of it... the pressure on therapists must be so intense. Thank you so much for your words. Next time I go for therapy I'm going to keep this much more in mind!
No I'm so glad you wrote about this, because I've felt much the same. Was headed straight for burnout and asking my psych 'why is all this anxiety coming out of nowhere?'. She guided me toward CBT, so I kept trying to override my body's intuition in a job I really shouldn't have been in. Writing about artists now, I'm taking comfort knowing that sickness and low points are part of some artists' fabric and potentially mine too. You've probably offered many comfort with this peice 💕
Ooooosh - I've been exactly there. My body was doing all kinds of weird things to tell me something wasn't right - and, exactly like you, I kept trying to think my way over it. Until I collapsed. Literally. I hope you're doing ok now.
Great perspective on artists here too. And yes, if we accept life will be ups and downs instead of straining for unadulterated happiness we will likely be much more content. Plus all my shitty times have definitely given me fodder for writing! Thank you for your kind words xx
Thank you for being brave enough to write and then post this.
Over the weekend I was listening to Brene Brown's podcast where she was interviewing Drs John and Julie Schwartz Gottman about their book 'The Love Prescription'. During the conversations, all three mentioned times in their lives that they'd had a terrible experience with a therapist and had 'fired their asses'. They were all hugely supportive of therapy as a process but were pointing out that therapists - just like all of us - are real humans and are fallible; some of them are crap at their jobs - just like all of us - and sometimes it's just not a fit.
My teenage daughter was seeing a very experienced clinical psychologist whilst dealing with a really difficult time. She filled out reams of questionnaires, was diagnosed with a lot but always came out of sessions almost dizzy with information overload and no insight into how to deal with anything.
It took a long time to build up the courage as a family to decide that, despite her experience and qualifications the psychologist really wasn't giving our daughter the help she needed. We found a therapist through a personal recommendation who we knew would be a better fit (younger, so kind and empathetic, LGBTIQ+ ally etc. etc) and the change was instant. The relief I felt knowing that our daughter was in safe, kind and helpful hands was immense and we watched her grow in confidence and capability week by week.
Thank you so much Susan - that's really kind of you to say. I adore Brene Brown - this makes me feel much better! And they're so right - of course like every other job there will be great ones and less good ones. I find it so weird that my mind has not figured this out before!
Thank you for sharing your story about your daughter - I can so relate to feeling overwhelmed by information and I'm so sorry she felt that way when trying to get help. That's a tough decision to make and I'm so glad it worked out so well. A great example of when therapy gets it right! It's just so overwhelming sometimes to find the right path. I'm so glad she had you to help.
Yes, thank you for writing this! It definitely needs to be said. I've only had a couple brief bouts with therapy, and they were only minimally helpful. Even though I know that a lot of it is about the right fit, I can't help feeling like the problem is that I'm doing it wrong. I wonder how many of us end up feeling that way?
Thank you so much Rosana. As you say, I wonder how many people blame themselves... I'm sorry you haven't had a better experience. I'm sure the right help is out there - it just feels exhausting trying to find it.
I've been too lazy to look much more! But I've tried various other helpful things throughout my life, like meditation, MDMA therapy sessions, and even some Ayahuasca journeys. All helpful! My ongoing theme is that I'm not doing any of these things right, so that's definitely something to think about. 😊
Yes, you point out a common misconception that a "zap cure" can be accomplished in a few brief sessions. CBT promotes this myth because that is how they can be compensated by health insurance plans.
If it took you years of your life to get side tracked, why should you expect to undo it all in a few hours? Also, how will your life change if you change? Quantum physics tells us any change changes everything yet we want everything to change without any changes happening to upset our tidy lifestyle. It is little wonder much CBT brief therapy is little more than a placebo.
Interesting point about health insurance plans John - I didn't realise that.
When I say brief bouts, I mean a few years each. The time and money spent on therapy didn’t feel justified for the minimal value. But I probably don’t find the best therapists for me.
In the U.S. currently health insurance allows generally for only about 12 sessions with a therapist. As you can imagine not much of "value" can be accomplished that quickly. My daughter is a counselor and since Covid generally does her sessions online rather than in person. "Time is money..."
Annie,
I continue to be impressed with your writing, and I am impressed by this writing, but I’ll add a couple of bullet points to your list of learnings, and they are not to be viewed as any knock on therapists, but:
-maybe quite a few people rely on therapists prematurely when they just need to struggle a bit more first and self help.
-knowledge is the best form of help coping. Fear will drive unrational thoughts. Struggling to the point of figuring out your own issues will trump therapy every time.
-stay busy. Idle time kills when you’re struggling.
-all therapists are business people. Understand that. Use them when you truly need them, don’t use them as a crutch.
I’m still not a paid subscriber, but I am impressed by your writing. You’ll do well w/o my couple of pounds.
Thanks Ed - I appreciate it. And I agree with you on idle time - sometimes that can be the worst...
Oh my god:
“I just need to say, Annie, that I find this very difficult. I don’t hear from you for ages and then you come to me with a problem and it’s just a lot for me to deal with”.
This is awful enough for a friend to say to a friend, but you were PAYING this man and it is his PROFESSION. I’m sorry this happened to you. And I’m sorry if he still hasn’t found a job since then better suited to what he needs.
Jen this made me laugh out loud - thank you!! I like to think maybe he was just having an off day?!
This is such a brilliant piece. I’m glad you wrote it and shared it. Although I’ve never had therapy, I’ve contemplated it and expected it to be a panacea. I will now have my eyes open. I think there are many stories like this where we’re sold a view of the world that doesn’t match a reality that’s never talked about. I have my own version of something like this that I’ve been too scared to share for fear of upsetting people or being the only one who feels that way or just being wrong! Thank you for your letter, I feel braver about sharing mine..! Xx
Emily this is the ultimate compliment - go be brave! Honestly I spend my whole time on here agonising about whether I'm going to get cancelled for saying something - but I also think sometimes this is an indication that something needs to be said. Go forth and share! I'll keep my eyes peeled.... xx
I think one of the beautiful things about Substack is the freedom to share more of our insides - but it can still be scary! thank you
How Did I Heal Myself?
I was 45 when I subscribed to a Johns Hopkins Newsletter entitled “Your Health After 50.” I wept when I read the first issue. What I had suffered for decades was described in an article. They called it Restless Legs Syndrome, and Johns Hopkins didn’t think I was hysterical.
For the next twenty years, I saw the best doctors. I became a National Restless Legs Syndrome Foundation board member. I went to sleep medicine conventions. I traveled to Johns Hopkins and NIH. I had access to top clinicians and took the dozens of medicines they prescribed, most with significant side effects, none effective after a while.
I was 64 when my doctor told me I needed a knee replacement, but he wanted me to slim down to 160 before he okayed it. We discussed that I should not be 5’4” and weigh 175.
Luckily, the knee replacement was successful because I had as much as I could handle dealing with chronic sleep deprivation. RLS is connected with circadian rhythms, and my legs twitched enough to prevent sleep study technicians from calibrating their instruments.
Most nights, I slept three or four hours. I was taking six or seven prescriptions. I coffeed during the day and alcoholed at night.
CVS didn’t want to fill the oxycodone scripts from my orthopedic surgeon because I already had refills for oxycontin prescribed by my sleep doctor, but Dr. B called CVS to argue and sent them a paper he had just delivered at a conference. They filled the prescription.
My post-surgery physical therapist was kind, talented, caring, and hip. “How are you going to get out from under all these drugs?” I didn’t have an answer. We became friends, an odd couple; he is my Snoop, and I am his Martha. He is my son’s age, and I am six months older than his mama.
He suggested I use cannabis. I laughed.
I tried. I couldn't smoke; I had asthma. I didn’t know what I was doing, but I told HR at Morgan Stanley I was doing it.
In those days, the local dispensaries were guarded by large men earning minimum wage and carrying loaded weapons. Cash transactions were conducted in windowless rooms. I read the little that was available about medical marijuana. I attended a Washington, D.C. conference sponsored by Americans for Safe Access. I attended Lobby Days in Sacramento, sponsored by the National Organisation for Reform of Marijuana Laws, NORML.
Through cannabis use, I developed a body intuition that allowed me to understand cause and effect. I peeled away layers of crusted stress that had masqueraded as normal behavior for a type-A woman in a man’s job.
The most significant piece of the puzzle was that I eventually healed a gut that no one knew was sick. Once I focused on my gut health, the dominoes of my illnesses began to tumble. Within two weeks of eliminating gluten and dairy from my diet, I no longer needed medicine for high blood pressure. Shortly after I began focusing on a plant-forward diet, I no longer needed medicine for high cholesterol. When I stopped drinking, I no longer needed antidepressants. When I healed my gut, I no longer needed medicine for GERD, and I lost weight. With reduced inflammation, my arthritis subsided.
Today, my only prescription is a maintenance inhaler. I don’t eat processed foods. I don’t buy anything with dictionary words on the label because preservatives and additives that keep food looking and acting perfectly are the things that bring back my RLS.
Many of my health problems were connected to serotonin imbalance and low dopamine production. I have found whole-plant formulations containing cannabinoids, anandamides, and terpenes that provide what my CB1 and CB2 receptors were previously missing, thus allowing my endocannabinoid system to function at peak efficiency and coordinate with my neurological and endocrine systems, together maintaining the best health I’ve enjoyed ever.
I use cannabis consciously. Daily. Planned. Measured. Thoughtfully, and that’s how I did it. That’s how I cured myself.
That's how I achieve the best mental health of my life. That's what all those therapists and all those anti-depressants were supposed to do.
Annie, good luck; please don't discount healing your gut, stopping alcohol, and consulting www.trustedcannanurse.com. Tell Megan Mbengue at www.trustedcannanurse.com that Janice Hoffmann sent you. You are a brilliant writer, and you will be even more when you are on the right regimen of microdosing cannabis and psilocybin. Ask Megan before you give up. Tell her the long version of the story.
Janice this is an incredible story - thank you so much for sharing. The fact that you went through this and have done to much to help others is truly inspiring - bravo! And the fact you were doing so much to fit into a workplace that wasn't healthy... I so relate to that.
I have a friend who went on a psilocybin retreat a couple of years ago and they still says it was completely transformational. Theirs was quite extreme and I'm not sure I'm there yet - but I find these stories fascinating. Thank you so much for sharing.
I'm glad it touched you. I'll be writing more about my journey from illness to wellness, so stay tuned by subscribing to Stories by Janus (no paywall required). I enjoy your writing. Let's keep in touch.
Thanks Annie. Like you I have and still am a fan of “talking it out”. We just need to be aware of the limits and bias that exist within our humanity. Pretty off topic, but I’ll share my experience….some in your audience might relate.
https://open.substack.com/pub/pitt/p/my-transition?r=10akyl&utm_medium=ios&utm_campaign=post
Thank you for sharing Charlotte. And yes, we can only control our reactions to things... or whatever the quote is that someone cleverer than me said!
I guess I was pretty lucky over the years to only see one therapist and later in life we are friends and stay in touch. Been through a few divorces, needed help with that. My father was tough to deal with certain times. Held many jobs because I worked for all the low life’s in the automotive field. Should have had a better positive feeling about myself and I guess these experiences made me feel that way. My therapist always seemed to have a answer to my questions and I always felt better after a session. There was no paperwork or homework we just talked things out. I saw him on and off when needed. He helped me allot for sure.
Great to hear Richard - you got a good one there for sure! Also well done for recognising you needed some support.
I don’t have a lot of experience with therapy. I’ve put a lot of time and energy into exploring self-help modalities and parenting philosophies. The conclusion I’ve come to, which seems like it would apply in therapy, too, is that there are no formulas that work for everybody. Most of the theories I’ve engaged with that espouse specific steps to take to achieve certain outcomes just leave me feeling inadequate because they don’t seem to work for me. More recently I am realizing that the reason I don’t find them useful is that I am not the author. I don’t think, function, or operate in the way that they do so their steps, though they may have worked for them, aren’t necessarily going to work for me. So now I take things with a pinch of salt, engaging with what resonates or seems to fit with who I am coming to understand myself to be. The rest I hold loosely or let go of.
Great perspective - thank you Benjamin. Your point about not being the author is perfect. I think this a lot with this big wellness influencers/authors who espouse one particular thing (usually one breathing, eating or exercising in a specific way). They're often packaged so well I get totally hooked in - but often a) their method doesn't work, or b) someone else comes along with conflicting advice. Taking this with a pinch of salt, being curious and seeing if anything works for you is the best way to be.
ELEVEN therapists fuck me. Choosing one in the first place is hard enough. Unfortunately one of the ways my bullshit manifests itself is in a deadening sense of exhaustion and futility when faced with the prospect of ‘trying again’ at something that didn’t yield results the first time. I’ve given up after four.
Thanks for writing this though. Of course you should have written it; I think one of the most important reasons to write anything, especially on a subject like this, is that somebody might read and identify with it and therefore feel a bit less alone.
Thank you so much - that's what I figured. If it helps even one person slightly then it's worth doing.
Totally hear you - my bullshit manifests itself in the same way. Trying again sometimes feels like too big of a mountain to climb. I used to feel like that about dating too!