You describe very well your "midlife mess" and the changes get messier as one progresses into the next stage of life. I am in my late 70's and much of my life changes now involve aging and health issues. There is a Little Feat song, 'Old Folks Boogie', with a line: "You know you're over the hill when your mind makes a promise that your body can't fulfill." This happens all too frequently for me now.
I will share one bit of my old folk wisdom - being good at change is not a conscious mind thing, but a deep trust in one's subconscious knowledge. Cultivating a deep sense of oneself is vital in getting a sense of the part of you that is unchanging in the maelstrom of inevitable change life (and death) demands. Buddhism works for me in guiding me to release the tendency to hold on to expectations which increases the suffering and the terror you describe.
You reminded me of a Buddhist saying: "A broken heart is a beautiful thing." You have to make it to the other side of the (grueling sometimes) change to bloom once again.
I love this, John. Not the big about health issues and your mind making promises your body can’t fulfil (how frustrating??) but your wisdom. I’m increasingly finding have a deep sense of self is the solution to most things. It gives confidence, keeps anxiety away and avoids the famous Fear Of Missing Out.
Sadly it’s taken me until now to start uncovering that. When I was younger I was far more concerned with doing what other people thought were the right thing than actually thinking for myself. I wish I had been given your wisdom back then!
Thank you for saying all this! Yesssssssss!!! Change is hard, and we mammals are wired to be stressed by it — even if it's a positive change we're seeking. I've been through a few of those myself, like divorce and making career changes, and it ain't pretty. While I'm glad to have made each of the changes, life was quite a bit harder for a while after some of them. A book I found helpful during those times is Transitions by William Bridges; he talks about the difficult transition times when it may seem like nothing is happening but stuff is percolating. Thanks for this realistic perspective.
Thank you so much for your kind words Rosana - and the book recommendation! Haven’t come across that one so will check it out. And YES to your nature point. It drives me mad that we don’t talk about this more. We are literally wired to resist change - yet often expected to just put all that to one side. Admittedly change is unavoidable, but perhaps we should be a bit gentler with ourselves!
I love this soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much! Like, I can't tell you how much I loved it and all the memories it brought back up of the day I quit my corporate job to move to Jamaica. Sounds cliche but it was anything BUT flawless lol. You wanna talk about hair on fire?
I really loved reading this today....and super loved all the weird visuals you included. Elk farm and fermented rat? 🤣🤣
I'm not. I quit Jamaica after 15 years, back in 2018. But I write a lot about it if you're subscribed to my publication. Also, total coincidence but today in my Facebook memories, a photo of me popped up that literally looks like my hair is on fire in Jamaica. I'll post it on Notes and tag you 😂
Loved this! Change is indeed hard and confirmation that most people are panicking their way through it is always reassuring to hear. Plus, the change we really want to make isn’t always possible (unless we want to make those we are doing life with / our dependents homeless and starved!) and I think there isn’t always enough acknowledgment of that so thank you for highlighting this too x
Ahh thank you Rach. I think most of us are panicking our way through life really if we're honest! And yes you're so right - we can't always have the change we want. We might be able to have it all - but not all at the same time!
There's something in the William Bridge's model of change that I've found helpful after finding myself among the many redundancies in the tech industry last year (and I know models are just models and not reality). He describes change as an external event that happens to you, while transition is the psychological response of adapting to change - change happens quickly but transition can take a while. It's ultimately during that difficult transition in which we find development and growth, a suffering that we may be grateful for in hindsight.
Thank you for this John. I totally agree with this - no matter how grim the change we usually grow stronger and learn as a result of it. We just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other until we get to that point! I'm familiar with change theories/models from my day job, but you've just given me a refreshing re-think on them (I can get a little cynical!). Thank you for this - I needed it.
Excellent post. I shared a post yesterday on the same topic. When you know something is important, it is so important to act even when you feel the fear. The question I ask is, what do you fear more... regret or the unknown?? Regret should be scarier.
Thank you Niall - just subscribed to you too! The regret point is an excellent one. I often come back to to good ol' fashioned "will I wish I did this when I'm lying on my death bed?". If the answer is yes, it's a go go go!
You've somehow managed to lead me by my shaky, petrified hand down the memory lane of repeated failures, but laughing all the way! Brilliant article, Annie, as always. This one is particularly poignant to me as someone who's left the warm embrace of comparatively excellent, albeit unsatisfying, jobs in the financial industry for the fiery torture of burning hair, cemented smiles and pirranha pits... twice! Admittedly, the first time I did it, I had a VERY clear pathway to success: quit my job, become rich. Simples!
Alas, the reality was significantly more harrowing, and devastating, for any individual to take, let alone his young family.
Then, a decade later (4 years ago, almost to the day) and with a fully recovered confidence and infinitely more humbled expectations, I did it again. I'll let you know someday if it was the right call..
My point is that the torturous rollercoaster of entrepreneurship I twice decided to jump on is one I would enthusiastically encourage anyone with the confidence to control their sphincter to take, because if you can resist the urge to shit yourself, you will certainly learn from, and dare i say enjoy, the ride.... someday.
Ahhhh thank you! I love this. Not least as I have also been the victim of “quit job, become rich” thinking. And I’m still waiting...
But I think life is infinitely more interesting this way. And there’s always the chance it will all pay off and we can live the dream on a yacht! All will be well x
This hit me just at the right time and got me to step back and consider many things. I’ve often been one of those corporate speak advocates for “change is the only constant in the universe” and “get used it it, the pace of change is just going to accelerate”. Yet I’ve also hated the uncertainty, inefficiency and just pure waste of change a lot of change.
I also find myself questioning more the narratives and whether it’s less about “change being unavoidable” and more about “we just don’t think better planning, communication and change support is all that important”. Because, obviously, we could handle change much better but doing so requires trade offs, compromises and careful consideration. That just sounds like stuff getting in the way of important changes that need to happen right now!!!
I would love for you to expand more on the middle part of your post, why you think it happens and more examples from your experience. It felt like you jumped to the end too quickly. Maybe for a future post.
Also, I love the title and subhead. When I first read it in my mailbox I was like “Sex Change Myths?!” This will be an interesting discussion about why I should still get a sex change?!? It’s amazing what difference an innocent little “y” can make unnoticed.
Connor you just made me laugh out loud. Sex Change Myths would be a jump in knowledge even for me... but never say never!
I think change as a constant is a convenient way of people (in the corporate world) to make employees the problem, rather than addressing the actual problem. Because nobody is ok with uncertainty - it's just not in our nature. We seek out routine and safety - we're animals and we need to know where we will get our food and shelter. And yet we're told we should be ok with not being like that.
And sure, we can change our thought patterns and have shitloads of therapy and be "ok" with change. But it's not a natural state for us. And I agree with you - I don't think it'a always necessary. But it's a lot sexier to rip things up and create something new than tinker around and make things a bit better.
I will give your point some thought and expand on my experiences... happy to and thank you for the suggestion! Never know how much wanging on you want so this is very helpful - thank you!
I often refer to this as the “shinny new toys” dynamic. Many leaders and even people throughout the organisation get an obsession with having the newest org model, tools, job title, etc. Yet it always has the opposite effect - making any problems that existed with the previous org, tools, etc even worse.
I think it’s easy to forget or avoid the reality that most problems in a company are complex and involve different groups of people with a range of interests. Addressing that is much harder than “this org change will fix everything”.
Awww this is the highest compliment - thank you Eddie. I hope your friend is doing ok. One of my favourite quotes (I think Winston Churchill?) is “when you’re going through hell, keep going”. I find it oddly helpful!
It is messy and hard, just as waiting is a drag, but both have to happen if we don't want to coast on autopilot forever. Thanks for commenting on Jimmy Carr's book, it sounds great and I'll check it out. I agree that self-help should be delivered with humor (this from a self-help writer who is not funny, sadly!) to be a little more palatable.
As I always say, life is a four letter word! Sometimes it’s wonderful. Sometimes it sucks! We all only have the power of choice. so the blame always ends up with yourself. You can’t go forward unless you make a choice!
Ahhh thank you! That’s kind to hear. I find swearing and humour make most things better! I come here to work out how I feel about stuff - and it’s lovely to hear it resonates!
You describe very well your "midlife mess" and the changes get messier as one progresses into the next stage of life. I am in my late 70's and much of my life changes now involve aging and health issues. There is a Little Feat song, 'Old Folks Boogie', with a line: "You know you're over the hill when your mind makes a promise that your body can't fulfill." This happens all too frequently for me now.
I will share one bit of my old folk wisdom - being good at change is not a conscious mind thing, but a deep trust in one's subconscious knowledge. Cultivating a deep sense of oneself is vital in getting a sense of the part of you that is unchanging in the maelstrom of inevitable change life (and death) demands. Buddhism works for me in guiding me to release the tendency to hold on to expectations which increases the suffering and the terror you describe.
This is very wise John. Self-knowledge is the foundation that holds us so we get blown around by the winds of change just a little less.
You reminded me of a Buddhist saying: "A broken heart is a beautiful thing." You have to make it to the other side of the (grueling sometimes) change to bloom once again.
Beautiful - thank you Steve! I love this - there is always hope.
I love this, John. Not the big about health issues and your mind making promises your body can’t fulfil (how frustrating??) but your wisdom. I’m increasingly finding have a deep sense of self is the solution to most things. It gives confidence, keeps anxiety away and avoids the famous Fear Of Missing Out.
Sadly it’s taken me until now to start uncovering that. When I was younger I was far more concerned with doing what other people thought were the right thing than actually thinking for myself. I wish I had been given your wisdom back then!
I too wish I had my wisdom back then … 😵💫
Thank you for saying all this! Yesssssssss!!! Change is hard, and we mammals are wired to be stressed by it — even if it's a positive change we're seeking. I've been through a few of those myself, like divorce and making career changes, and it ain't pretty. While I'm glad to have made each of the changes, life was quite a bit harder for a while after some of them. A book I found helpful during those times is Transitions by William Bridges; he talks about the difficult transition times when it may seem like nothing is happening but stuff is percolating. Thanks for this realistic perspective.
Thank you so much for your kind words Rosana - and the book recommendation! Haven’t come across that one so will check it out. And YES to your nature point. It drives me mad that we don’t talk about this more. We are literally wired to resist change - yet often expected to just put all that to one side. Admittedly change is unavoidable, but perhaps we should be a bit gentler with ourselves!
I love this soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much! Like, I can't tell you how much I loved it and all the memories it brought back up of the day I quit my corporate job to move to Jamaica. Sounds cliche but it was anything BUT flawless lol. You wanna talk about hair on fire?
I really loved reading this today....and super loved all the weird visuals you included. Elk farm and fermented rat? 🤣🤣
Yes, the fermented rat!!
🤣🤣🤣
Hahaha - gotta love a weird visual, right?! I find it makes pieces more engaging! Are you still in Jamaica? I would love to hear this story!
I'm not. I quit Jamaica after 15 years, back in 2018. But I write a lot about it if you're subscribed to my publication. Also, total coincidence but today in my Facebook memories, a photo of me popped up that literally looks like my hair is on fire in Jamaica. I'll post it on Notes and tag you 😂
Omg how I am not subscribed to you??! Amending this immediately! Sorry for slow reply - been sick. Very glad your hair wasn't literally on fire...
Hopefully you've made a full recovery!
Loved this! Change is indeed hard and confirmation that most people are panicking their way through it is always reassuring to hear. Plus, the change we really want to make isn’t always possible (unless we want to make those we are doing life with / our dependents homeless and starved!) and I think there isn’t always enough acknowledgment of that so thank you for highlighting this too x
Ahh thank you Rach. I think most of us are panicking our way through life really if we're honest! And yes you're so right - we can't always have the change we want. We might be able to have it all - but not all at the same time!
There's something in the William Bridge's model of change that I've found helpful after finding myself among the many redundancies in the tech industry last year (and I know models are just models and not reality). He describes change as an external event that happens to you, while transition is the psychological response of adapting to change - change happens quickly but transition can take a while. It's ultimately during that difficult transition in which we find development and growth, a suffering that we may be grateful for in hindsight.
Thanks for the thoughtful article.
Thank you for this John. I totally agree with this - no matter how grim the change we usually grow stronger and learn as a result of it. We just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other until we get to that point! I'm familiar with change theories/models from my day job, but you've just given me a refreshing re-think on them (I can get a little cynical!). Thank you for this - I needed it.
Excellent post. I shared a post yesterday on the same topic. When you know something is important, it is so important to act even when you feel the fear. The question I ask is, what do you fear more... regret or the unknown?? Regret should be scarier.
Thank you Niall - just subscribed to you too! The regret point is an excellent one. I often come back to to good ol' fashioned "will I wish I did this when I'm lying on my death bed?". If the answer is yes, it's a go go go!
oooooooooooooooooooooof
This is my favourite comment of all time. Hard agree!!
You've somehow managed to lead me by my shaky, petrified hand down the memory lane of repeated failures, but laughing all the way! Brilliant article, Annie, as always. This one is particularly poignant to me as someone who's left the warm embrace of comparatively excellent, albeit unsatisfying, jobs in the financial industry for the fiery torture of burning hair, cemented smiles and pirranha pits... twice! Admittedly, the first time I did it, I had a VERY clear pathway to success: quit my job, become rich. Simples!
Alas, the reality was significantly more harrowing, and devastating, for any individual to take, let alone his young family.
Then, a decade later (4 years ago, almost to the day) and with a fully recovered confidence and infinitely more humbled expectations, I did it again. I'll let you know someday if it was the right call..
My point is that the torturous rollercoaster of entrepreneurship I twice decided to jump on is one I would enthusiastically encourage anyone with the confidence to control their sphincter to take, because if you can resist the urge to shit yourself, you will certainly learn from, and dare i say enjoy, the ride.... someday.
Ahhhh thank you! I love this. Not least as I have also been the victim of “quit job, become rich” thinking. And I’m still waiting...
But I think life is infinitely more interesting this way. And there’s always the chance it will all pay off and we can live the dream on a yacht! All will be well x
This hit me just at the right time and got me to step back and consider many things. I’ve often been one of those corporate speak advocates for “change is the only constant in the universe” and “get used it it, the pace of change is just going to accelerate”. Yet I’ve also hated the uncertainty, inefficiency and just pure waste of change a lot of change.
I also find myself questioning more the narratives and whether it’s less about “change being unavoidable” and more about “we just don’t think better planning, communication and change support is all that important”. Because, obviously, we could handle change much better but doing so requires trade offs, compromises and careful consideration. That just sounds like stuff getting in the way of important changes that need to happen right now!!!
I would love for you to expand more on the middle part of your post, why you think it happens and more examples from your experience. It felt like you jumped to the end too quickly. Maybe for a future post.
Also, I love the title and subhead. When I first read it in my mailbox I was like “Sex Change Myths?!” This will be an interesting discussion about why I should still get a sex change?!? It’s amazing what difference an innocent little “y” can make unnoticed.
Connor you just made me laugh out loud. Sex Change Myths would be a jump in knowledge even for me... but never say never!
I think change as a constant is a convenient way of people (in the corporate world) to make employees the problem, rather than addressing the actual problem. Because nobody is ok with uncertainty - it's just not in our nature. We seek out routine and safety - we're animals and we need to know where we will get our food and shelter. And yet we're told we should be ok with not being like that.
And sure, we can change our thought patterns and have shitloads of therapy and be "ok" with change. But it's not a natural state for us. And I agree with you - I don't think it'a always necessary. But it's a lot sexier to rip things up and create something new than tinker around and make things a bit better.
I will give your point some thought and expand on my experiences... happy to and thank you for the suggestion! Never know how much wanging on you want so this is very helpful - thank you!
Well said! And glad that it made you chuckle. 😊
I often refer to this as the “shinny new toys” dynamic. Many leaders and even people throughout the organisation get an obsession with having the newest org model, tools, job title, etc. Yet it always has the opposite effect - making any problems that existed with the previous org, tools, etc even worse.
I think it’s easy to forget or avoid the reality that most problems in a company are complex and involve different groups of people with a range of interests. Addressing that is much harder than “this org change will fix everything”.
I have a friend who is going through some major changes right now. I forwarded this to her. She could us a good laugh.
Awww this is the highest compliment - thank you Eddie. I hope your friend is doing ok. One of my favourite quotes (I think Winston Churchill?) is “when you’re going through hell, keep going”. I find it oddly helpful!
It is messy and hard, just as waiting is a drag, but both have to happen if we don't want to coast on autopilot forever. Thanks for commenting on Jimmy Carr's book, it sounds great and I'll check it out. I agree that self-help should be delivered with humor (this from a self-help writer who is not funny, sadly!) to be a little more palatable.
A great post Annie, thanks.
Thank Donna! I am LOVING Jimmy’s book. Cannot recommend enough - I have to keep putting it down to make notes!
Great Read Annie, mix with your sense of humor!
As I always say, life is a four letter word! Sometimes it’s wonderful. Sometimes it sucks! We all only have the power of choice. so the blame always ends up with yourself. You can’t go forward unless you make a choice!
Looking forward to reading more of your articles!
Ahhh thank you! That’s kind to hear. I find swearing and humour make most things better! I come here to work out how I feel about stuff - and it’s lovely to hear it resonates!
Love this!
A great read, Annie. And one that resonates with me because I’ve just quit my job!
Yay!!!!! Well done you Liz!! Always a baller move, if terrifying. Nothing ventured, nothing gained... excited for your next chapter! 🙌
Thank you! I’m currently alternating between feeling really empowered and utterly terrified.
I love reading your updates