Annie, I related to this more than almost anything I've ever read. I could have written this almost word for word, except it wasn't my mom who died, it was my son. That happened right in the middle of covid. Shortly after, I also lost my job. Then the depression. Then a best friend died. I don't think I've ever had a shittier 3-year span in all my 51 years.
Loneliness set in quickly after a pandemic/child death combo. HOWEVER...and this might sound super cliche...I adopted a dog. She simultaneously changed and saved my life. I don't even long for human companionship anymore because my dog forces me out into adventure, nature, dog parks...which by the way, are FULL of other humans who want to talk and hang out!
I truly hope you're able to find more of what you're looking for in the company of people. But if you don't...there's a dog for that ❤️
Kristi - thank you so much for sharing this. And I’m so fucking sorry - what a total shitshow! And it’s not cliched at all because… I too adopted a dog after my mum died!! I agree - she also saved me and she’s been the sole thing that keeps me going sometimes. They are such pure souls aren’t they? My only worry is she’s now very old… but still waggy! xx
Awwww man, that makes me so happy to know you also adopted. If she's old, that will be another piece of grief you'll have to manage down the road but the shining start is that there will always be more doggos to adopt.
I'm rooting for you from over here. We've got this.
Going through this too but a wee bit older than you. I blame menopause and life changes and grief. I called it a dark night of the soul. Also with the pandemic, I started to languish like so many others, it was easier to stay home. I am also self employed and spend my days with pets, which is wonderful yet lonely. I'm forcing myself to reach out more in person instead of behind screen, meeting girl friends for lunch etc. It had to become a habit though. I can a see brighter shores ahead. For myself the dark night and lonely depression I had to go through, writing was great therapy for me and still is
Jane! Sorry for slow response - I've been off comms for the last week. Thank you so much for sharing - the dark night of the soul is never fun, however necessary it is. I wonder how many of us are still feeling the impact of the pandemic (I suspect a lot!). I also fully embraced it and rather enjoyed the fact I was no longer missing out on things when I wanted to take things slow - and things have felt a bit "off" since. Well done you for reaching out to friends. Funnily enough I'm trying to do the same at the moment - I'm taking it slow and the spring weather definitely helps. I applaud your action!
This is an important essay whether I feel lonely or not. It's important because it makes me think, it makes me realize there is so much more going on for those I encounter every day than meets the eye, and it reminds me that the patients I see at work every day are likely dealing with stuff they aren't telling me, in part because they may not be able to articulate it.
Thank you for this brave and vulnerable essay Annie. I appreciate how you laid out the reality of BLS without a coating of sugary-toxicity painted across it. Life can be hard and there are in-between moments that suck beyond anything we expected, just as there are moments of brilliance that make our hearts yearn for more.
Thank you Donna - this is a wonderful comment, I really appreciate you taking the time. As you say there are in-between moments for all of us - as well as ups and downs. I wonder if our modern obsession with thinking we MUST be happy all the time or there's something wrong also plays a part in this.
Thank you too for your comment about your patients. This, in turn, has reminded me that everyone we interact with everyday likely has things going on - from people I work with to the person behind the till at the coffee shop. And sometimes a cheerful conversation can make all the difference.
Since I was a teenager I've thought it bizarre that we could think there's something wrong if we aren't always 'happy'. What a strange and one-sided perspective (from my perspective anyway🤣)
"Sure, we want to improve ourselves. But could it be this is actually making us less tolerant… both of our own weaknesses and those of others?" - THIS! Constant need for character optimisation, when we all have flaws and oddities. Nail on the head Annie.
Hey Maggie - sorry for slow reply, I've had my head in other things over the last week! Thank you so much for this - I'm glad it resonated. I've been thinking about this a lot recently and my own obsession with self-improvement. Where does it end?!
This is brave stuff. You're so right: loneliness is like the ultimate ick, the thing nobody wants to admit in our weirdly isolating-while-overstimulating culture. It's like not getting picked for the team, not getting asked to the prom, not getting the invite to the birthday party that everyone else in the class is going to — all together, on steroids. We believe it makes us pathetic. And yet it's what we all have to face at some point, I believe, to come into our own. Having said that, I full admit to being terrified of loneliness myself. Saluting you over herre.
Thanks Jan - and oh my goodness you're so right!! I actually did wonder the other day if I'm just hyper aware of it having been through ALL of the above when I was a kid! Honestly the picking teams thing still haunts me to this day. But yes it's the strange unspoken competition and it's horrible to feel like you're losing! As you say though, I also think it's necessary to figure out who we truly are. Saluting you right back!
What an incredibly powerful piece. Definitely been there...and might be there now. And BLS is no joke, I am finding. I love, love, love where you say that the end of loneliness is feeling understood. I feel less lonely after reading this!❤️
Maria thank you so much - and apologies for my slow response here. YES to being understood. I think it's all any of us really wants in life. Although I did mention this to a friend once and he totally disagreed with me and said he thought everyone was terrified of being truly known!! So I guess it depends on your perspective....! I'm sorry you're there too at the moment - and I'm so happy this made you feel less lonely! Although my taking ages to respond likely did not help! Going through the comments here there are lots of reminders that this is just a phase or a stage - this too shall pass, and all that. But I see you - and you're not alone!
Thank you for writing about this. Also at mid-40s and BLS and loneliness is very real. I can’t help but wonder if the fact that the generation before us stayed near where they grew up helped to counteract some of the loneliness. Other family members (and family friends) were close at hand to support with BLS. It’s amazing what someone popping in for 30 mins for a cup of tea can do for mental well-being! I certainly have missed having these connections in my BLS and feel more isolated than I ever have in the endless doing-the-next-right-thing, despite some lovely friends. Sending you strength and hugs and compassion 💛
Hi Tory - sorry for my slow reply and thank you for taking the time to comment. I'm so sorry you feel this too! And yes it's an interesting point about moving away from home. I'm actually seeing more people I know move back nearer to where they grew up - I wonder if this is what's behind it. I so agree with you on the cup of tea - it never ceases to amaze me what a difference to your day (or week!) one simple conversation can have. I also think the trouble with the BLS is it's so personal - nobody can really know what it feels like to be you and that makes it more isolating! Well done for keeping going - I'm sure it's a phase and there are brighter times ahead!
A beautiful piece Annie. The power of loneliness breaks a little each time we talk about it. I share your personal theory, and I’m glad you shared this. 💛
Thank you so much for this Tanya - and sorry for the slow response! I agree - there's that great Brene Brown quote about shame not being able to live in the light that I won't even attempt here as I'll get it wrong. But that!
I'm really lonely. Have been for quite some time. And it's not that I don't have friends, I do, but often times I'm too tired/in physical pain/busy seeing elderly parents/dealing with a myriad of BLS to see them. My coping mechanism is to retreat, and then it gets harder to make myself see people. I tend to do things on my own because it's easier, and because...sometimes, even when your friends ARE available, they aren't that understanding - I suppose trying to find solutions where, for me anyway, I just want, as you say, someone to say "I see what you're going through" OR, I just want to have fun, when I go out and not think about my BLS. Anyway, yes. I totally hear you. It's a bit exhausting isn't it.
Oh Susie I'm so sorry you're lonely too - and also for how long it's taken me to respond to your comment. Thank you so much for taking the time. I really hear you on people not really getting it - I think all our BLS is so personal it's sometimes hard for people to relate. Plus even when we have been through it we forget the bad stuff after it's happened. But yes I think mostly we just want someone to listen - and not to try and fix. There's power in just speaking your mind and being heard. Or having fun! I actually am lucky in that I have quite a few people I can have fun with - but it's the being heard thing I struggle with. Yes, it's exhausting. I see what you're going through and I totally understand.
I did not find The Office funny either! I tried and failed. And your words about how we’re all dealing with BLS here in these mid life years makes so much sense. I’ve been beating myself up for not being a better friend to my friends who are going through their BLS, but I’m dealing with my own and there’s only so much bandwidth left. I read Elizabeth Gilbert’s letter from love yesterday which is about loneliness - I would definitely recommend reading 💛
Emily - I'm so sorry for the slow response, I've been off comms for a little bit. But YES to The Office!! At the time I felt like the biggest freak in the world! Although I hear the US version was better... am yet to try. I so hear you on beating yourself up for not helping friends more. I feel EXACTLY the same - and I really don't know what the solution is. I have so many friends dealing with big problems and I'm so overwhelmed by my own I feel I'm not capable of doing enough. I try to just check in at least to show I've remembered - but it doesn't feel like enough. I think perhaps we all need to grant ourselves a little compassion. I will check out Liz's letter from love - I missed that would. God bless Liz!
I certainly relate to mid-life as a time of 'Peak Shit', and how everyone (myself included) disappears into their hermit holes to cope with it all (and because we're all so damn tired)... It feels like a window when friendship is more on the backburner, and I personally find myself hoping that everyone will still be there when I finally find the energy to stick my head above the parapet. I'm hoping there is light on the other side of menopause! Appreciating your honesty in naming some of this...
Thanks so much Vicki - and I'm so sorry for my slow response! It's such a relief to hear you feel this/experience this too. It does feel like a natural life phase when everyone is, as you say, just exhausted! And I'm very much hoping everyone's still there on the other side! I'm with you - I'm hoping there is light in future. And I feel like there will be. Perhaps this is a forging phase where we figure out what really matters to us, before fresh freedom on the other side! A girl can hope...!
Feel this so much. Esp moving to a rural area, in one hand feel peaceful in othermiss my friends and that life terribly. Thank you for your words, they always resonate
Been away from Substack for a while, but glad to see you're still at it.
This is a chewy one, for sure. I'm about to wrap up my 50th lap around the sun, and yeah, there's a lot of BLS, for sure.
One of the reasons I got away from Substack was that it felt like one more thing that I could feel like I was 'part of,' but not really part of. I felt great coming in and chasing some controlling douchebag out of somebody's comments section, for example... but I couldn't then say 'hey, let's grab coffee and be friends,' to that particular person. (Something about the Atlantic being in the way, and a million other things going on, besides.) Now that the option for DM is set up, maybe I'll come back, because then I can actually 'talk' to people. It wasn't helping with the loneliness, it was actually putting a finer point on it.
But in the meantime, I do need you to do me a favor. Next time you hear that voice telling you that you need to be perfect before you can be a friend to anyone, bugger that bastard with the biggest splintery stick you can find. It's doing you no favors, and the best friends usually know all of our deficiencies anyway... and we know theirs. And somehow, they manage to help us with it.
And why wouldn't they? There is no singular version of 'perfect.' And there is no singular version of what 'good' or 'good enough' or whatever bullshit category it is that you don't fit into. There will always be someone who doesn't want to be friends... and that's fine, too, because I don't want to be friends with everyone anyway. Doesn't mean they're toxic, doesn't mean they're bad people, just that they're not my cup of tea. They may be stand-up members of their own individual communities, and good for them. But they're not what I happen to need.
And what I need is impossible to define sometimes... I had one friend in particular who was not someone I'd have chosen in other contexts, but we were both in the army together, and so it went. He was Bat-Shit crazy, danced on the threshold of alcoholism, and was borderline sociopathic in certain contexts... but an oddly loyal companion, at the time. And after a while, I could see that there were underlying patterns, and a certain homeostasis that I could recognize enough to know where the boundaries were. No, I wasn't about to partake in half of the things that he got mixed up in. And if he felt like having an inebriated argument with the fire hydrant again? "Hell Yeah! Have at it! Tell him I said he's a F... oh, you left already..."
Utter. Nutter.
But day by day, this person would always come by, make sure I was doing ok, would help out when they could, and actually cared.... Within a given spectrum, but they cared, and made the effort almost daily.
You've spilled more than enough virtual ink around self-reflection, self-awareness, and insights into humanity to make it clear that you're more than enough woman for any man, and more than a worthy friend to whoever's lucky enough to be around.
Print that out and put it on your fridge if you need to.
Or, maybe on the front door, to remind you to get out, enjoy the world, and give it the chance to return the favor.
Consider yourself virtually hugged by a well-meaning sort-of stranger.
Annie, I related to this more than almost anything I've ever read. I could have written this almost word for word, except it wasn't my mom who died, it was my son. That happened right in the middle of covid. Shortly after, I also lost my job. Then the depression. Then a best friend died. I don't think I've ever had a shittier 3-year span in all my 51 years.
Loneliness set in quickly after a pandemic/child death combo. HOWEVER...and this might sound super cliche...I adopted a dog. She simultaneously changed and saved my life. I don't even long for human companionship anymore because my dog forces me out into adventure, nature, dog parks...which by the way, are FULL of other humans who want to talk and hang out!
I truly hope you're able to find more of what you're looking for in the company of people. But if you don't...there's a dog for that ❤️
Kristi - thank you so much for sharing this. And I’m so fucking sorry - what a total shitshow! And it’s not cliched at all because… I too adopted a dog after my mum died!! I agree - she also saved me and she’s been the sole thing that keeps me going sometimes. They are such pure souls aren’t they? My only worry is she’s now very old… but still waggy! xx
Awwww man, that makes me so happy to know you also adopted. If she's old, that will be another piece of grief you'll have to manage down the road but the shining start is that there will always be more doggos to adopt.
I'm rooting for you from over here. We've got this.
❤❤❤❤❤
Going through this too but a wee bit older than you. I blame menopause and life changes and grief. I called it a dark night of the soul. Also with the pandemic, I started to languish like so many others, it was easier to stay home. I am also self employed and spend my days with pets, which is wonderful yet lonely. I'm forcing myself to reach out more in person instead of behind screen, meeting girl friends for lunch etc. It had to become a habit though. I can a see brighter shores ahead. For myself the dark night and lonely depression I had to go through, writing was great therapy for me and still is
Jane! Sorry for slow response - I've been off comms for the last week. Thank you so much for sharing - the dark night of the soul is never fun, however necessary it is. I wonder how many of us are still feeling the impact of the pandemic (I suspect a lot!). I also fully embraced it and rather enjoyed the fact I was no longer missing out on things when I wanted to take things slow - and things have felt a bit "off" since. Well done you for reaching out to friends. Funnily enough I'm trying to do the same at the moment - I'm taking it slow and the spring weather definitely helps. I applaud your action!
Thank you!
This is an important essay whether I feel lonely or not. It's important because it makes me think, it makes me realize there is so much more going on for those I encounter every day than meets the eye, and it reminds me that the patients I see at work every day are likely dealing with stuff they aren't telling me, in part because they may not be able to articulate it.
Thank you for this brave and vulnerable essay Annie. I appreciate how you laid out the reality of BLS without a coating of sugary-toxicity painted across it. Life can be hard and there are in-between moments that suck beyond anything we expected, just as there are moments of brilliance that make our hearts yearn for more.
Thank you.
Thank you Donna - this is a wonderful comment, I really appreciate you taking the time. As you say there are in-between moments for all of us - as well as ups and downs. I wonder if our modern obsession with thinking we MUST be happy all the time or there's something wrong also plays a part in this.
Thank you too for your comment about your patients. This, in turn, has reminded me that everyone we interact with everyday likely has things going on - from people I work with to the person behind the till at the coffee shop. And sometimes a cheerful conversation can make all the difference.
Since I was a teenager I've thought it bizarre that we could think there's something wrong if we aren't always 'happy'. What a strange and one-sided perspective (from my perspective anyway🤣)
You were clearly wise from an early age!
"Sure, we want to improve ourselves. But could it be this is actually making us less tolerant… both of our own weaknesses and those of others?" - THIS! Constant need for character optimisation, when we all have flaws and oddities. Nail on the head Annie.
Hey Maggie - sorry for slow reply, I've had my head in other things over the last week! Thank you so much for this - I'm glad it resonated. I've been thinking about this a lot recently and my own obsession with self-improvement. Where does it end?!
This is brave stuff. You're so right: loneliness is like the ultimate ick, the thing nobody wants to admit in our weirdly isolating-while-overstimulating culture. It's like not getting picked for the team, not getting asked to the prom, not getting the invite to the birthday party that everyone else in the class is going to — all together, on steroids. We believe it makes us pathetic. And yet it's what we all have to face at some point, I believe, to come into our own. Having said that, I full admit to being terrified of loneliness myself. Saluting you over herre.
Thanks Jan - and oh my goodness you're so right!! I actually did wonder the other day if I'm just hyper aware of it having been through ALL of the above when I was a kid! Honestly the picking teams thing still haunts me to this day. But yes it's the strange unspoken competition and it's horrible to feel like you're losing! As you say though, I also think it's necessary to figure out who we truly are. Saluting you right back!
What an incredibly powerful piece. Definitely been there...and might be there now. And BLS is no joke, I am finding. I love, love, love where you say that the end of loneliness is feeling understood. I feel less lonely after reading this!❤️
Maria thank you so much - and apologies for my slow response here. YES to being understood. I think it's all any of us really wants in life. Although I did mention this to a friend once and he totally disagreed with me and said he thought everyone was terrified of being truly known!! So I guess it depends on your perspective....! I'm sorry you're there too at the moment - and I'm so happy this made you feel less lonely! Although my taking ages to respond likely did not help! Going through the comments here there are lots of reminders that this is just a phase or a stage - this too shall pass, and all that. But I see you - and you're not alone!
Thank you for writing about this. Also at mid-40s and BLS and loneliness is very real. I can’t help but wonder if the fact that the generation before us stayed near where they grew up helped to counteract some of the loneliness. Other family members (and family friends) were close at hand to support with BLS. It’s amazing what someone popping in for 30 mins for a cup of tea can do for mental well-being! I certainly have missed having these connections in my BLS and feel more isolated than I ever have in the endless doing-the-next-right-thing, despite some lovely friends. Sending you strength and hugs and compassion 💛
Hi Tory - sorry for my slow reply and thank you for taking the time to comment. I'm so sorry you feel this too! And yes it's an interesting point about moving away from home. I'm actually seeing more people I know move back nearer to where they grew up - I wonder if this is what's behind it. I so agree with you on the cup of tea - it never ceases to amaze me what a difference to your day (or week!) one simple conversation can have. I also think the trouble with the BLS is it's so personal - nobody can really know what it feels like to be you and that makes it more isolating! Well done for keeping going - I'm sure it's a phase and there are brighter times ahead!
Thankyou Annie Scott !
God’s best to you !
Flyboy Stinson
🛫😛🛬👍
A beautiful piece Annie. The power of loneliness breaks a little each time we talk about it. I share your personal theory, and I’m glad you shared this. 💛
Thank you so much for this Tanya - and sorry for the slow response! I agree - there's that great Brene Brown quote about shame not being able to live in the light that I won't even attempt here as I'll get it wrong. But that!
I'm really lonely. Have been for quite some time. And it's not that I don't have friends, I do, but often times I'm too tired/in physical pain/busy seeing elderly parents/dealing with a myriad of BLS to see them. My coping mechanism is to retreat, and then it gets harder to make myself see people. I tend to do things on my own because it's easier, and because...sometimes, even when your friends ARE available, they aren't that understanding - I suppose trying to find solutions where, for me anyway, I just want, as you say, someone to say "I see what you're going through" OR, I just want to have fun, when I go out and not think about my BLS. Anyway, yes. I totally hear you. It's a bit exhausting isn't it.
Oh Susie I'm so sorry you're lonely too - and also for how long it's taken me to respond to your comment. Thank you so much for taking the time. I really hear you on people not really getting it - I think all our BLS is so personal it's sometimes hard for people to relate. Plus even when we have been through it we forget the bad stuff after it's happened. But yes I think mostly we just want someone to listen - and not to try and fix. There's power in just speaking your mind and being heard. Or having fun! I actually am lucky in that I have quite a few people I can have fun with - but it's the being heard thing I struggle with. Yes, it's exhausting. I see what you're going through and I totally understand.
Annie, thank you for sharing this. I understand, particularly about the BLS! Thank you for your honesty.
Thank you so much Liz! The BLS struggle is real! Thank you for reading/commenting - I really appreciate it.
I did not find The Office funny either! I tried and failed. And your words about how we’re all dealing with BLS here in these mid life years makes so much sense. I’ve been beating myself up for not being a better friend to my friends who are going through their BLS, but I’m dealing with my own and there’s only so much bandwidth left. I read Elizabeth Gilbert’s letter from love yesterday which is about loneliness - I would definitely recommend reading 💛
Emily - I'm so sorry for the slow response, I've been off comms for a little bit. But YES to The Office!! At the time I felt like the biggest freak in the world! Although I hear the US version was better... am yet to try. I so hear you on beating yourself up for not helping friends more. I feel EXACTLY the same - and I really don't know what the solution is. I have so many friends dealing with big problems and I'm so overwhelmed by my own I feel I'm not capable of doing enough. I try to just check in at least to show I've remembered - but it doesn't feel like enough. I think perhaps we all need to grant ourselves a little compassion. I will check out Liz's letter from love - I missed that would. God bless Liz!
God bless Liz indeed. I think you’re right, we do need to grant ourselves a little compassion ❤️🩹
I certainly relate to mid-life as a time of 'Peak Shit', and how everyone (myself included) disappears into their hermit holes to cope with it all (and because we're all so damn tired)... It feels like a window when friendship is more on the backburner, and I personally find myself hoping that everyone will still be there when I finally find the energy to stick my head above the parapet. I'm hoping there is light on the other side of menopause! Appreciating your honesty in naming some of this...
Thanks so much Vicki - and I'm so sorry for my slow response! It's such a relief to hear you feel this/experience this too. It does feel like a natural life phase when everyone is, as you say, just exhausted! And I'm very much hoping everyone's still there on the other side! I'm with you - I'm hoping there is light in future. And I feel like there will be. Perhaps this is a forging phase where we figure out what really matters to us, before fresh freedom on the other side! A girl can hope...!
Feel this so much. Esp moving to a rural area, in one hand feel peaceful in othermiss my friends and that life terribly. Thank you for your words, they always resonate
Hi Annie!
Been away from Substack for a while, but glad to see you're still at it.
This is a chewy one, for sure. I'm about to wrap up my 50th lap around the sun, and yeah, there's a lot of BLS, for sure.
One of the reasons I got away from Substack was that it felt like one more thing that I could feel like I was 'part of,' but not really part of. I felt great coming in and chasing some controlling douchebag out of somebody's comments section, for example... but I couldn't then say 'hey, let's grab coffee and be friends,' to that particular person. (Something about the Atlantic being in the way, and a million other things going on, besides.) Now that the option for DM is set up, maybe I'll come back, because then I can actually 'talk' to people. It wasn't helping with the loneliness, it was actually putting a finer point on it.
But in the meantime, I do need you to do me a favor. Next time you hear that voice telling you that you need to be perfect before you can be a friend to anyone, bugger that bastard with the biggest splintery stick you can find. It's doing you no favors, and the best friends usually know all of our deficiencies anyway... and we know theirs. And somehow, they manage to help us with it.
And why wouldn't they? There is no singular version of 'perfect.' And there is no singular version of what 'good' or 'good enough' or whatever bullshit category it is that you don't fit into. There will always be someone who doesn't want to be friends... and that's fine, too, because I don't want to be friends with everyone anyway. Doesn't mean they're toxic, doesn't mean they're bad people, just that they're not my cup of tea. They may be stand-up members of their own individual communities, and good for them. But they're not what I happen to need.
And what I need is impossible to define sometimes... I had one friend in particular who was not someone I'd have chosen in other contexts, but we were both in the army together, and so it went. He was Bat-Shit crazy, danced on the threshold of alcoholism, and was borderline sociopathic in certain contexts... but an oddly loyal companion, at the time. And after a while, I could see that there were underlying patterns, and a certain homeostasis that I could recognize enough to know where the boundaries were. No, I wasn't about to partake in half of the things that he got mixed up in. And if he felt like having an inebriated argument with the fire hydrant again? "Hell Yeah! Have at it! Tell him I said he's a F... oh, you left already..."
Utter. Nutter.
But day by day, this person would always come by, make sure I was doing ok, would help out when they could, and actually cared.... Within a given spectrum, but they cared, and made the effort almost daily.
You've spilled more than enough virtual ink around self-reflection, self-awareness, and insights into humanity to make it clear that you're more than enough woman for any man, and more than a worthy friend to whoever's lucky enough to be around.
Print that out and put it on your fridge if you need to.
Or, maybe on the front door, to remind you to get out, enjoy the world, and give it the chance to return the favor.
Consider yourself virtually hugged by a well-meaning sort-of stranger.
Cheers.