Why badass babes don't need pens
Or; how to give the gift of confidence not c*ntiness this Christmas
[Caution: this is a sweary piece including the c-bomb. If you’re easily offended, reader discretion is advised. But if you’re easily offended you probably don’t read me… so fuck it]
Earlier this week I was procrastinating. Fuck me, I am GREAT at procrastinating. If procrastinating was a job I would nail it. I’d be employee of the month, working overtime, never switching off. Hell I might even burnout from procrastinating. Only I’d probably be procrastinating too hard to admit it.
My procrastination of choice this particular morning was Instagram stories; a collection of things people I vaguely know are up to, punctuated with the odd targeted advertisement - usually some sort of slutty clothing or lurid coloured health supplement. Somehow even this is much more appealing that doing - I don’t know - the things that people actually pay me to do.
All of a sudden something pink and sweary popped up - and, always a sucker for a swear, my eye was drawn to an ad for “Motivational Pens For Badass Babes”. The picture showed 5 pens, in shades of black, white and bubblegum pink, emblazoned with slogans such as “Unfuckwithable”, “You are a goddamn force” and, my personal favourite, '“You are wildly, fiercely and incredibly capable” (more on this one later).
I paused for a moment, thinking of all the great women in my life I could bestow these pens upon. And reflecting on just how great my own day might be were I to start my to do list with a pink “You can fucking do this” ballpoint. What riches would be mine! What confidence I would radiate! If anyone questioned me, I would merely flash my cheap biro at them and they would finally understand my brilliance!
It was then that I realised what a tit I was being - and felt suddenly appalled. And not just by the unsettling grammar. Have you tried saying “Unfuckwithable? It sounds like an obscure village in Wales. And can one be “fiercely capable”? Isn’t that akin to being “radically middle of the road”? If a pen’s blowing smoke up my ass, I want to be a lot more than bloody “capable”. I want to be extraordinary at the very least!
I moved on to apply my “would this be a thing for men?” sexist bullshit filter, I realised this suggested Christmas gift was laughable. Could I see myself buying my boyfriend a “You got this, babe” pen? No. What about a “Man Boss” coffee mug? Unlikely. Although imagining the look of horror on his face makes me almost tempted.
This isn’t going to be a rant about the ‘Girl Boss’ revolution. I’m not sure there’s anything fundamentally harmful about women being told to have self-belief. To be honest, I like hearing this - who doesn’t? It’s not even going to be a rant about what kind of society we’ve created if we’ve reached a point where women need to be reminded they can do things by… reading a slogan on a cheap pen. Instead of, I don’t know, tackling this in our education system, or something really wild like equal pay. There is clearly a market for this tat and, unless you have a personality disorder, most of us could use a friendly confidence boost from time to time.
And this is where my actual issue lies; it’s not friendly. It’s encouraging us to be a bit… well, c*nty.
These words paint a picture of traditionally masculine values; you have to be a “Boss Bitch”, “Unfuckable with” or "A goddamn force”. This is the ball-busting rhetoric of the 80s - where power and dickheadery are king. It’s the world of Patrick Bateman’s business cards, Gordon Ghekko’s slicked back hair, and Sigourney Weaver’s terrifying pursuit on crutches of Harrison Ford in Working Girl. It’s Margaret Thatcher acting like a man in a pussy-bow blouse.
This language is aggressive and divisive, implying that everyone is out to get you. We are praising arseholery (totally a word). Which is exactly the thinking we need less of in an already dangerously divided world.
If it’s ok to be “unfuckwithable”, where’s the line? What comes next? A lovely “Fuck everyone else over!” mug? Perhaps a “My opinion is the only one that matters!” notebook? I like to think anyone turning up in an office with “Lalala, I won’t listen, you fucking moron!” written on their stationery might end up in a conversation with HR.
Of course it’s all just a bit of fun. Nobody’s ever been motivated by being told they’re “fine”. And nobody’s actually going to buy the “I like to listen to other people’s opinions and evaluate before making an informed decision” pen collection. Although actually… I would. But I’m weird.
If we want the world of work to evolve, we need to move past the stereotypes. While things are starting to change, we still have a curious attachment to a style of working that dates back to the invention of the factory; a time when men worked, women stayed home and children routinely lost their fingers in scary machines. We have a strict working week, we mostly have to pretend we don’t have a life outside of work, and heaven forbid anything like children get in the way of what really matters; capitalism.
It’s the system we’ve got - and of course a stupid slogan on a pen doesn’t really matter. But the fact that this merchandise exists is demonstrative that we’re still obsessed with a “my way or the high way” route to success. And it’s emblematic of a selfishness epidemic I see sweeping the wellness world under the dubious guise of ‘positivity’ - it’s toxic boundary setting in another form. Are you '“unfuckwithable”? Or are you aspiring to be a narcissist incapable of seeing anyone else’s point of view? Do you really need to “slay” to get ahead? Or could you maybe live and let live? Work with others? Accept compromise? Build something together?
I have no issue with motivational words around me. My body is in danger of becoming a human word-search with the increasing number of tattoos I have reminding me of things that have happened in my life. Words carry power - so perhaps we should think more about the ones we allow to become normalised.
So here’s a thought. If you want to boost a woman (or anyone’s) confidence this Christmas, consider telling her what you admire about her. Remind her of a time she did something really great this year that impressed you. Tell her how you feel when she’s around. Tell her the characteristic you admire most about her. Ask her about her dreams and desires, and help her figure out a way to achieve them - help her believe it’s really possible.
Do not give her a shitty pen with a pseudo-aggressive pyschopathic slogan on it. Or if it has to be a pen, get a sexy fountain pen that writes like silk. Believe me, that makes a louder statement that any pink plastic ever could.
Would these pens motivate you? Should I set up a “You are pretty average but I like you anyway” stationery line? Am I over-thinking? Let me know in the comments… (spoiler alert - the answer to the last question is “yes”)
This was a super amusing post. 😁 My favorite is that you used words like c*nt and Fuck at liberty (in a subtitle even!) but avoided using asshole...censoring it with arsehole 🤣🤣
We have someone here in NZ who advertises herself as someone who is an expert in "badassery." Apart from sounding really stupid, it makes me laugh. But it also makes me a bit sad that someone feels they have to say that.