Thanks for the post, Annie. Before you speak, THINK: Is it thoughtful, honest, intelligent, necessary, kind? Learned that in my recovery community. Don't always get it right, but I'm grateful it's allowed me (forced me, is perhaps a better word) to pause before I blurt out what's popped into my head. 💕🙏
Thanks Amy - this is SUCH a good way to approach interactions. I'm totally going to steal this. I do worry there's a particular self-help trend growing force that's more 'say everything because you're the most important person in the world!'. And that's just not true. We are all part of some form of community whether we like it or not. Thank you for sharing this. I think getting it right is secondary to giving it a goo try. Wouldn't life be dull if we got everything right all the time?!
Wow, Amy, I've been in recovery for quite a few years and this is the first I've seen this one. Love it! I mean I've heard about running something thru the absolutes (honest, unselfish, loving, pure) and I like this one even better. So glad you shared this.
Whoa, great post and I really like your concept of constructive radical honesty. Relationships don’t just magically happen but must be constructed and nurtured. The root of the word communication’ is to commune, to come together. A bridge between two individuals must be built.
I am reminded of the old adage: “If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right. Not all relationships have constructive potential. Relationship building requires effort and not all connections are beneficial or constructive. Figuring that out early can save a lot of struggle and frustration.
I have a concept about adult “unconditional love.” We are all wounded to some extent by the time we reach adulthood and have ‘conditions.’ Adult unconditional love is finding the conditions where I can feel loving towards another. Not all relationships need to be ‘close.’
Constructive Radical Honesty - it seems you already have the title of your self help best seller. Honestly…
Thanks John for this lovely response! Gosh relationships are complicated aren't they?? You're so right that they do not all have constructive potential. I'm only just waking up to this (which is a little embarrassing at 43). I still find myself shocked when people I have invested time, energy and emotion on turn out to not to be willing to do the constructing and nurturing back. I've been very naive about that I think.
As for unconditional love... I do see your point. We just need to find the people where our conditions are complementary perhaps!
Going to Google 'Constructive Radical Honesty' now - I bet someone has got there first!
Honestly, I loved reading this. My favourite piece all weekend both in terms of content and form. Actual truth!!
As a recovering people-pleaser (and the need to make others feel comfortable always), genuine dishonesty through politeness is my go-to. And then I wonder why I no longer know my real true self and wants!
I really like the idea of writing down my actual truth each time I tell a white lie. I’ll let you know how it goes :)
Tory that is the nicest thing you could possibly say to me. Thank you - truly!!
And I hear you - I am exactly the same on the people pleasing front. And I really like this idea from Martha! I'm going to try it too... Let me know how you go. We can compare notes!
Great post. I love what John said about adults and their conditions. Transparency can feel liberating if it is received well, and sometimes even if not. It's so dependent on our hopes for the outcome. I was caught off guard recently during a conversation, which I thought was a safe, honest discussion; something in the conversation triggered the other person, who ended up in tears and I did not see it coming. We parted ways on a healing note, but it left me wondering if I would have expressed my views if I could have predicted the reaction? Probably not. I felt bad for how upset the other person was, and also like it was too much emotional weight for that relationship, in general. Worth it? Not sure.
Thanks so much Maria - and agree on John's comments. Alissa also made some beautiful points above about having to be considerate about who you're dealing with. Not everyone is on a twelve step programme! But how horrible to feel you were in that safe space and then hit a trigger. This is always the challenge I guess - how the hell are we meant to be honest when we don't know what's likely (through no fault of our own) to upset the other person. There are those that would say 'that's their problem, not yours' - but I'm with you. Upsetting someone will make me feel much worse. As you say though, maybe an interesting bit of data on that particular relationship...
I recently decided to be a little more honest when it comes to the little things. I realized even those little acts of ‘greasing the wheel’ were making me feel exhausted and resentful and like a perpetual shapeshifter. I also found that committing to telling the truth out loud was a pretty good way to determine if my real reasons were ones I’d actually stand by - or if, as is often the case, I was just defaulting to a position out of habit or laziness or being a bit crap.
Recently I’d arranged a playdate with a new friend and when the day arrived, after a long tough week my kid was an emotional mess. An hour before she asked me if we could cancel and snuggle at home instead. Usually I’d have white lied through it so I didn’t seem like the flaky parent of a flaky kid but this time I told the truth. We’re having a hard time over here and I think we just need to watch cartoons and be quiet for a while. My friend came back and said ‘the bond is made in the ability to cancel’ - by which she meant to cancel truthfully, for the inconvenient, messy human reasons. I nearly cried. Letting me know she saw it as a gift to the relationship even when it messed up her plans.
That said, you have to be discerning. I think time and place and the person you’re in the dynamic with are key. As is your motivation - are you doing it with true resolution and a stronger relationship in mind or are you looking to dump on someone or be proven right. Are you counting on a particular response to feel good? Will you get mad if you don’t get it? Can the relationship survive if you disagree? Do you care? Will you care about this hurt in five years? Is it a pattern that needs to be confronted or is it a one off out-of-character transgression? Is grace a better offering? Is it worth the risk of rupture to try and get to the repair?
I’ve definitely chosen not to opt for radical honesty over past hurts in a number of key relationships because I just don’t think the other person has the capacity to hear it or respond to it in a way that will feel good for me. Someone in a twelve step program is in a very different emotional position to most of us bumbling beings and they’re being supported by a strong community as they go through the process of facing their own mistakes. They’re provided with a framework and they do a hell of a lot of ‘work’ to make sure they’re emotionally stable before they’re ready to take that step.
To me, choosing not to confront doesn’t always feel like dishonesty, it more often feels like an acceptance of reality, of people’s limitations, and the fact that we often have really different interpretations of the same experience. That acceptance has actually been hugely freeing in certain dynamics.
I think the key might be radical honesty with yourself - why you are or aren’t choosing to tell the truth. If your reasons feel good and valid and withstand some scrutiny, go nuts.
What an amazing examination in reply here, Alissa, and I love SO much ‘the bond is made in the ability to cancel.’
Totally agree with your thoughts/feelings about the most solid choice in truth v. non-truth is really all about honesty with oneself, first and foremost. It can (and needs to) stem from that synchronicity with our values, right?
Ahhh - I do wish you'd write more. You'd nail it every damn time! Hard agree with ALL of this. But to break it down...
Love the idea of saying it out loud as a test. I read an interview with someone earlier today who was about to make a pretty extreme life decision for the wrong reasons. And he said he was incredibly grateful to a friend who took him seriously but made him speak his reasoning out loud - and when he heard himself saying it he realised it sounded absurd. There is definite power in speaking aloud versus the madness of our heads.
As for your new friend... wow. She sounds like a keeper?! The bond is formed by the ability to cancel... I love this. But as you say because of the honesty element and the truth of it. Not in a taking advantage "screw it, I'll cancel because it's fine" kind of a way. Bravo for your honesty. And I'm sorry it was a shitty week.
You're also so right that some people cannot handle honesty - and, as a sensitive soul, I definitely think this is worth keeping in mind. If the response is likely to be stressful or upsetting then it's not always the correct course. And I include myself in that - I'm sure there are some truths I couldn't handle. This is - as you rightly say - the reality of life. Life is messy and complicate and as humans we are too. And two opposing truths can exist about the same thing... making 'honesty' a moot point at times.
Honesty with ourselves I think is the key to everything. Without it you have no business storming around telling everyone exactly what you think of them!
Thank you - as ever - for your wisdom. And go you on the new friend.
I spent an entire phase of my adult life lying regularly. Little fibs about knowing a thing, lest I be judged as an amateur, ignorant or uninformed. It wasn’t exactly faking it until I made it, but adjacent to, and in a very subtle and unassuming way.
I was, in essence, lying to cover one of my greatest fears—to be viewed as incapable.
I completely agree then that ‘constructive radical honesty’ is a super helpful tweak both in the giving to another and reciprocally. Gentle, aware, delivered with insight and compassion.
It was only when I realized how those close to me relied on my constructive honesty that I also understood how helpful it was to also give to myself.
Thanks for the post, Annie. Before you speak, THINK: Is it thoughtful, honest, intelligent, necessary, kind? Learned that in my recovery community. Don't always get it right, but I'm grateful it's allowed me (forced me, is perhaps a better word) to pause before I blurt out what's popped into my head. 💕🙏
Thanks Amy - this is SUCH a good way to approach interactions. I'm totally going to steal this. I do worry there's a particular self-help trend growing force that's more 'say everything because you're the most important person in the world!'. And that's just not true. We are all part of some form of community whether we like it or not. Thank you for sharing this. I think getting it right is secondary to giving it a goo try. Wouldn't life be dull if we got everything right all the time?!
Wow, Amy, I've been in recovery for quite a few years and this is the first I've seen this one. Love it! I mean I've heard about running something thru the absolutes (honest, unselfish, loving, pure) and I like this one even better. So glad you shared this.
Whoa, great post and I really like your concept of constructive radical honesty. Relationships don’t just magically happen but must be constructed and nurtured. The root of the word communication’ is to commune, to come together. A bridge between two individuals must be built.
I am reminded of the old adage: “If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right. Not all relationships have constructive potential. Relationship building requires effort and not all connections are beneficial or constructive. Figuring that out early can save a lot of struggle and frustration.
I have a concept about adult “unconditional love.” We are all wounded to some extent by the time we reach adulthood and have ‘conditions.’ Adult unconditional love is finding the conditions where I can feel loving towards another. Not all relationships need to be ‘close.’
Constructive Radical Honesty - it seems you already have the title of your self help best seller. Honestly…
Thanks John for this lovely response! Gosh relationships are complicated aren't they?? You're so right that they do not all have constructive potential. I'm only just waking up to this (which is a little embarrassing at 43). I still find myself shocked when people I have invested time, energy and emotion on turn out to not to be willing to do the constructing and nurturing back. I've been very naive about that I think.
As for unconditional love... I do see your point. We just need to find the people where our conditions are complementary perhaps!
Going to Google 'Constructive Radical Honesty' now - I bet someone has got there first!
Honestly, I loved reading this. My favourite piece all weekend both in terms of content and form. Actual truth!!
As a recovering people-pleaser (and the need to make others feel comfortable always), genuine dishonesty through politeness is my go-to. And then I wonder why I no longer know my real true self and wants!
I really like the idea of writing down my actual truth each time I tell a white lie. I’ll let you know how it goes :)
Tory that is the nicest thing you could possibly say to me. Thank you - truly!!
And I hear you - I am exactly the same on the people pleasing front. And I really like this idea from Martha! I'm going to try it too... Let me know how you go. We can compare notes!
Great post. I love what John said about adults and their conditions. Transparency can feel liberating if it is received well, and sometimes even if not. It's so dependent on our hopes for the outcome. I was caught off guard recently during a conversation, which I thought was a safe, honest discussion; something in the conversation triggered the other person, who ended up in tears and I did not see it coming. We parted ways on a healing note, but it left me wondering if I would have expressed my views if I could have predicted the reaction? Probably not. I felt bad for how upset the other person was, and also like it was too much emotional weight for that relationship, in general. Worth it? Not sure.
Thanks so much Maria - and agree on John's comments. Alissa also made some beautiful points above about having to be considerate about who you're dealing with. Not everyone is on a twelve step programme! But how horrible to feel you were in that safe space and then hit a trigger. This is always the challenge I guess - how the hell are we meant to be honest when we don't know what's likely (through no fault of our own) to upset the other person. There are those that would say 'that's their problem, not yours' - but I'm with you. Upsetting someone will make me feel much worse. As you say though, maybe an interesting bit of data on that particular relationship...
Ooh! Annie! I like this.
I recently decided to be a little more honest when it comes to the little things. I realized even those little acts of ‘greasing the wheel’ were making me feel exhausted and resentful and like a perpetual shapeshifter. I also found that committing to telling the truth out loud was a pretty good way to determine if my real reasons were ones I’d actually stand by - or if, as is often the case, I was just defaulting to a position out of habit or laziness or being a bit crap.
Recently I’d arranged a playdate with a new friend and when the day arrived, after a long tough week my kid was an emotional mess. An hour before she asked me if we could cancel and snuggle at home instead. Usually I’d have white lied through it so I didn’t seem like the flaky parent of a flaky kid but this time I told the truth. We’re having a hard time over here and I think we just need to watch cartoons and be quiet for a while. My friend came back and said ‘the bond is made in the ability to cancel’ - by which she meant to cancel truthfully, for the inconvenient, messy human reasons. I nearly cried. Letting me know she saw it as a gift to the relationship even when it messed up her plans.
That said, you have to be discerning. I think time and place and the person you’re in the dynamic with are key. As is your motivation - are you doing it with true resolution and a stronger relationship in mind or are you looking to dump on someone or be proven right. Are you counting on a particular response to feel good? Will you get mad if you don’t get it? Can the relationship survive if you disagree? Do you care? Will you care about this hurt in five years? Is it a pattern that needs to be confronted or is it a one off out-of-character transgression? Is grace a better offering? Is it worth the risk of rupture to try and get to the repair?
I’ve definitely chosen not to opt for radical honesty over past hurts in a number of key relationships because I just don’t think the other person has the capacity to hear it or respond to it in a way that will feel good for me. Someone in a twelve step program is in a very different emotional position to most of us bumbling beings and they’re being supported by a strong community as they go through the process of facing their own mistakes. They’re provided with a framework and they do a hell of a lot of ‘work’ to make sure they’re emotionally stable before they’re ready to take that step.
To me, choosing not to confront doesn’t always feel like dishonesty, it more often feels like an acceptance of reality, of people’s limitations, and the fact that we often have really different interpretations of the same experience. That acceptance has actually been hugely freeing in certain dynamics.
I think the key might be radical honesty with yourself - why you are or aren’t choosing to tell the truth. If your reasons feel good and valid and withstand some scrutiny, go nuts.
What an amazing examination in reply here, Alissa, and I love SO much ‘the bond is made in the ability to cancel.’
Totally agree with your thoughts/feelings about the most solid choice in truth v. non-truth is really all about honesty with oneself, first and foremost. It can (and needs to) stem from that synchronicity with our values, right?
Ahhh - I do wish you'd write more. You'd nail it every damn time! Hard agree with ALL of this. But to break it down...
Love the idea of saying it out loud as a test. I read an interview with someone earlier today who was about to make a pretty extreme life decision for the wrong reasons. And he said he was incredibly grateful to a friend who took him seriously but made him speak his reasoning out loud - and when he heard himself saying it he realised it sounded absurd. There is definite power in speaking aloud versus the madness of our heads.
As for your new friend... wow. She sounds like a keeper?! The bond is formed by the ability to cancel... I love this. But as you say because of the honesty element and the truth of it. Not in a taking advantage "screw it, I'll cancel because it's fine" kind of a way. Bravo for your honesty. And I'm sorry it was a shitty week.
You're also so right that some people cannot handle honesty - and, as a sensitive soul, I definitely think this is worth keeping in mind. If the response is likely to be stressful or upsetting then it's not always the correct course. And I include myself in that - I'm sure there are some truths I couldn't handle. This is - as you rightly say - the reality of life. Life is messy and complicate and as humans we are too. And two opposing truths can exist about the same thing... making 'honesty' a moot point at times.
Honesty with ourselves I think is the key to everything. Without it you have no business storming around telling everyone exactly what you think of them!
Thank you - as ever - for your wisdom. And go you on the new friend.
I spent an entire phase of my adult life lying regularly. Little fibs about knowing a thing, lest I be judged as an amateur, ignorant or uninformed. It wasn’t exactly faking it until I made it, but adjacent to, and in a very subtle and unassuming way.
I was, in essence, lying to cover one of my greatest fears—to be viewed as incapable.
I completely agree then that ‘constructive radical honesty’ is a super helpful tweak both in the giving to another and reciprocally. Gentle, aware, delivered with insight and compassion.
It was only when I realized how those close to me relied on my constructive honesty that I also understood how helpful it was to also give to myself.
Thanks so much for this fantastic piece, Annie!