Are you ‘speaking your truth’? Or just… being a d*ck?

How I was duped by faux spirituality

Photo by Zac Durant on Unsplash

Earlier this year I was briefly dating a man we’ll call ‘Mark’. We met in a yoga class at my gym when I overheard him talking about a co-working space he was thinking of opening in my local town. The conversation turned to the loneliness of working from home, to how we had come to both move to the countryside… and continued from there. Later that night we were furiously texting each other and arranged a date two days later.

Both of us had been through difficult times in our lives – him through some spectacular trauma – and our interest in learning and evolving off the back of this led to some deep and lengthy conversations. He had thrown himself deep into various forms of healing over the years, from therapy, to “plant medicine” (definitely not “drugs”) and something that involved dancing naked around a fire while someone pretended to steal his testicles.

He was now, he told me proudly, totally at peace with himself, and didn’t need anyone – just the ability to sit under a tree was enough for him. This was demonstrably true as he then ended things after three dates. He was concerned I was becoming “emotionally attached” to him. In addition, he said, he felt he was more “spiritually evolved” than I was, and that we wanted to be with someone on a “similar level” to him. Make of this what you will. Ahem.

I accepted his decision with grace and went back to my normal life. Which, slightly unfortunately, involved bumping into him sometimes at the gym. Things were fine – we talked when we saw each other and as the months went on I wondered if we might ultimately become friends.

Until, that was, I received some bad news while at the gym one day. My beloved dog, who I adopted shortly after my mother’s death, had gone lame that morning and the vet rang with the news she had fractured her leg. Given her age and arthritis, did I want her to be put down?

I needed to think so walked outside and sat down to think. Shaken, I sat quietly deep in thought, before noticing that Mark was sitting nearby. I was upset and I didn’t have the energy to speak to him – so I stayed where I was. Later that evening I felt bad for so obviously ignoring him – and sent a brief text apologising and explaining what had happened to my dog.

The reply I received back was… extraordinary. A five paragraph rant about how he found it strange I was always at the gym when he was, that it freaked him out and that he “needed to be clear that nothing would ever happen between us”.

The level of ego on display here was breath-taking. I was upset – and soon after I became angry. How could someone so convinced he was ‘spiritually evolved’ show so little empathy and have that high an opinion of themselves? And in what universe was the correct response to an “I’m sorry I ignored you”, an accusation of stalking?!

I began re-assessing all of our interactions. His pride at ‘speaking his truth’, having done so much work on himself after a series of extremely traumatic events - and how he had lost friends because they were not as evolved as him, and didn’t understand the truth of the world. The time on our second date when he shouted at an old woman in the pub over Sunday lunch, when she took offence at him loudly quoting “Team America”s notoriously blue script. She may have been a slightly joyless shrew, but shouting “I’m a 42 year old man, I can say what I want THANK YOU VERY MUCH”, was probably unnecessary.

I then reflected on the breakup itself, such as it was after only 3 dates. In addition to his damning analysis of my not being ‘evolved’ enough, he had also offered his services as some sort of sex tutor. It would be good for me, he felt, to learn how to have sex with someone without getting attached to them. And he selflessly offered his services to help me achieve this goal – an offer I declined.

WTF?

Yes, I know, I know. You’re reading this screaming, aren’t you? Dating this man was the equivalent of marching through a field of landmines, deliberately ignoring the numerous scarlet flags flapping vigorously in the wind. I was a fool.

But this thing is, I’m not stupid. I’m a reasonably intelligent, empathetic woman who – at 42 – really should be able to see a damaged individual for who and what he was. But I was thrown off the scent not only by his therapy speak, but by his absolute confidence that he was right about all things.

Shouting at an old lady in the pub? Telling me I wasn’t evolved enough to be with him? Sending a diatribe of stalking accusations in response to my apologising for ignoring him? In his mind, all he was doing was being true to himself. But in every other sense he was… being a dick.

Dick versus guru

As any of my close friends will tell you, I have one rule – and one rule alone – by which I try to live my life and expect of others. It’s quite simple: Don’t Be A Dick.

I’m an open-minded soul, and we all have our own peculiarities, hang-ups and interests. As long as you’re not hurting anyone, I say you do you. Do whatever you like! Just don’t be a dick about it.

Dickishness is generally a pretty cut and dried affair. If you’re doing something that knowingly impacts negatively on someone else, you’re being a dick. If you’re acting without consideration for others, you’re being a dick. If you’re saying something that’s rude and probably doesn’t need saying – you’re being a dick.

But the last couple of decades of widespread faux spirituality have thrown a spanner into the dick works – because there’s another mindset that’s crept up; Speaking Your Truth.

Before I go on, I’d like to make clear that I happily paddle – nay, wade – in the waters of faux spirituality at times with great joy. You’ll find me hanging around yoga studios, chanting OM, referencing Sanskrit, reading Ekhart Tolle and purchasing the odd crystal – just in case. I don’t apologise for this – it makes me feel calm and, frankly, I’m not arrogant enough to think I know enough to write off anything as mumbo jumbo.

Much of what is preached in this world – ‘listening to your body’ (not beasting yourself when you’re exhausted) or ‘being kind to yourself’ (deciding not to berate yourself for being a terrible human for forgetting to buy milk) – makes a great deal of sense and is not especially woowoo.

The concept of speaking one’s truth also isn’t especially spiritual – it’s really just a fancy way of “being honest”. And frankly if we were all a bit more honest about how we feel about things, the world might be a more straight forward place. But the cry of “I’m just being honest!”, as a get-out-of-jail free card after giving a barely concealed insult smacks of playground passive aggression. So instead we now have “speaking our truth” – which, brilliantly, nobody can argue with as “our truth” can be as batshit crazy as we like. It doesn’t need to be true for anyone else.

As someone who – aside from my writing here – has always struggled with saying exactly what I think for fear of offending people, I’m generally pro anything that encourages more introverted souls to speak up.

But have we gone too far now? Much is made of the lack of tolerance – particularly online – for any views that oppose your own. But to me this seems an inevitable result of a society in which we all increasingly think it’s a positive thing to say exactly whatever we feel because we have a right to – without any consideration of how our words might impact on others. I see people speak for the sake of speaking – as if the thing they have to say is poison that must be exorcised from their mouths. Not speaking for the purpose of conversation, connection, debate, exploration or to clarify another’s thinking.

On a more granular level, my experience with Mark has made me wonder where is the line? When does speaking your truth just become… being a dick? When would it be better to feel your feelings, rather than express them?

I am still playing with this line – and I have no doubt I have exhibited dickishness in my early-stage endeavours to speak up more. But Mark’s actions have made me wary of taking this too far.

That said… for what it’s worth, I think growing emotionally attached to someone you like enough to have sex with is probably a good thing. And that the most spiritually evolved people I know practice kindness in the knowledge that it makes the world a better place. But, what would I know? I’m just… speaking my truth.

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Alright then, team - thoughts? Is this something you’ve seen in action? Have you been on the receiving end of someone “speaking their truth”? How did it make you feel? Or maybe you’re like me, trying to learn to do it better and worried you might be a dick?! Comment below if so - or if you’ve got an ill-advised dating story!